Is this what we have become?

Sshh! I eat red meat and I'm proud of it – New Zealand rural news on

[quote]DomPost: Excuse me, sir, can I ask: Do you smoke, drink, beat your wife or eat red meat?

MITS (suddenly enraged): What kind of question is that? I'm a vegetarian!

He lunges at our reporter, grabbing his tie.

Passerby: Cool it! Here comes the PM.

All goes quiet, people quickly turn into shops or stand silently aside, eyes averted.

The Leader strides by, flanked by her elite Amazonian Guards with trouser suits gleaming and moustaches bristling. There's a big sigh of relief when they turn on a man who forgot to let go of his daughter's hand. As he is dragged away, the normal pedestrian flow resumes, and we return to our interview.

DomPost: Don't fret, sir. We guarantee your anonymity. All we seek is the view of the red- blooded Kiwi male.

MITS: Hah! Are there any of us left? All right, it's about time someone spoke up. Yes, I eat red meat, and I'm proud of it.

DomPost: Where do you get it? All the butchers' shops in the North Island are closed. It's only in the Mainland Republic, where such activities are allowed.

MITS: It's not generally known, but wild sheep can be found in the hills behind Karori. They're the descendants of a flock of Romneys let loose by freezing workers when meat plants were outlawed under the We Know What's Good For You Act.

DomPost: Ah, the fabled Karori woolly possums. So they actually exist?

MITS: Yeah. A group of us go hunting them. They're surprisingly easy to catch; the noise from the wind turbines hides our approach.

DomPost: What do they taste like?

MITS: What do they . . . Of course, you're too young to know. Well, it's nothing like the lentil soup and cannabis seed bread you're used to. The shoulder's my favourite bit. Roast it over an open fire till the outside's all toasty and crispy, the blood's stopped dripping and the fat's glistening in the firelight. It should be tender and juicy and taste fantastic.

DomPost: Sounds revolting.

MITS: Hah! I wouldn't be surprised if the conspiracy theory about the ban on red meat being a lesbian plot to weaken all males has some truth to it, if you're a typical specimen of today's youth.

DomPost: I've heard that one – just because we haven't won a sports test of any kind for ages.

MITS: Well, all might not be lost. I've heard the All Blacks captain was found to have excess levels of iron and omega-3 in her blood after the last game.

DomPost: That doesn't necessarily mean she's a meat-eater.

MITS: No, but I heard they also found gristle between her teeth in the compulsory pre-game floss.

DomPost: Thank you, sir.

MITS: S'okay. Actually, I'm a person, not a man.[/quote]

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