Fisking Pork Chop

Rachel Glucina is a fattyIt’s a ‘K’! filthy bastards….look a little closer next time. Anyway a new blogger should always be welcomed with a good fisking, again note it is a ‘k’. Here is my fisk of Pork Chop’s latest blog post.

The latest edition is aimed at classying up the drunken, debauched, dishevelled and dumpy among us – and it lays out the rules pretty squarely. Here are a few of my favourites:

1. Fake tanning is very problematic. It not only reeks, but it collects in the hairline and eyebrows, on corners (knees, elbows and ankles) and in webbed bits (toes, fingers). In Chops case it’s the TV remote that gets caught up in the crevices and the old packet of crisps is the reeking smell.

2. Indulging vanity publicly by partaking in excessive posing, pouting and preening will always appear rather desperate.-Luckily she has a triple chin which keeps her “look” constant.

3. Even with years of experience, it is still hard to judge quite where alcohol turns from a social lubricant into a tool for total shame. Becoming rag-doll floppy or passing out in front of others is never sexy or safe and is wholly irresponsible.-Ric is her tool for total shame

4. You must strike a balance between hard and soft (neither the dominatrix look nor chocolate-box sweetness).-Hence wearing the latex gloves at Gucci launch

5. Don’t over-expose. Sagging boobs in plunging tops are unsightly. Flashing bra straps on formal occasions is most disagreeable.– don’t need to comment on that one…

6. Never should a look include more than half of the following: necklace, earrings, hat, scarf, bag, sunglasses, headscarf, bracelet(s), tiara.-which can all be found tucked away alongside the tv remote.

7. Never wear sunglasses indoors, in the pool, after dark, when talking to strangers or at weddings (so trashy).– Arrgh to see her in the pool only a blind man could cope and yes they wear glasses.

8. Don’t be in denial about your dress size: bulging out of too-small clothes does not grant automatic inclusion into that size. Clothes that are obviously ill-fitting are equally ugly.-Once again…don’t need to comment

9. Wearing tight white jeans always invites trouble.– so that is why she sticks to leather pants…got it!

10. Underwear as outerwear is a most regrettable fad. And wearing sheer shirts that reveal bras underneath is brazen exhibitionism. And let us pray that we don’t have to bear witness to that …I don’t want to go blind.

If you find you’re guilty of any of the above, then it’s time to dob yourself in to the Fashion Police and plead guilty as charged.

The list of personal trangressions on that front is truly astounding for Pork Chop.

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