How to run a campaign to take over from Goff

If you happen to be an aspiring Labour leader but a c*nt, a lezzo, an immature in the closet ginga, a boofhead or lazy, taking down Goff who is none of these things could well take the following path.

Importantly, you have to understand that fear, uncertainty and doubt is your best weapon. Many of your caucus colleagues will be quietly crapping themselves because they will be worried that the next election could well see them out on their arse having to get a proper job, and the likelihood is that National wont be giving away plum positions to failed Labour MPs.

So you need to start propagating the message ?I will save your job because I can get a shitload more votes than Phil, hell he’s even making Bill English look good?. It would help to be able to back this up with ?how?, where by you need to start talking about how donors really like you so you can fund a campaign, the media will give you coverage and you can rebuild the party so there are a lot of activists on the ground campaigning.

The other thing to do is to white ant your leader and your competitors. Apart from the obvious Goff is tracking at 8%, you could also point out that he might actually be under pressure in his own electorate as he lives out of electorate and National only just lost the party vote there, and he hasn?t connected with the public, membership is down and funds are near non existent, the media are onto their rort with electorate offices etc. Then you start quietly talking about your competitors being:

  1. A c*nt and unable to appeal to voters
  2. A lezzo and NZ is not ready for an outed lezzo PM
  3. Not old enough and a ginga, and in the closet, those trips with Paul Henry certainly didn’t help
  4. Inclined to belt people
  5. Wonder if he will ever get around to running for leader
  6. No amount of brushing will cover up the bad punch and grow

The real bully will be when those stories start getting run through the press gallery, then we will also know which Labour MPs read the Whale and take his advice when they know it is sound and true.