Labour appoints Wood to strategy committee


Labour front-bench reacts positively to the appointment of Michael Wood

Labour front-bench reacts positively to the appointment of Michael Wood

In breaking political news today, the Labour Party governing council has appointed former candidate and union worker Michael Wood to the strategy committee for the upcoming elections.

Wood, who recently served the Labour Party as their Botany by-election candidate, immediately helped set the scene for Labour this year by declaring that Labour could not possibly win.

“I’m determined to manage expectations for Labour so we can declare a moral victory on election night, even if we are soundly thrashed in the actual result,” said Wood.

Labour leader Phil Goff welcomed the appointment of Wood, saying “Labour needs honest refreshing perspectives for the election this year. The public can really believe in Labour when we make it absolutely clear that we can not win. That in itself is reason to support Labour.”

Wood outlined further perspectives on Labour strategy for 2011, going heavily negative on National. ” National is practicing the mathematics of defeat. By consistently polling above 50%, National have nowhere to go but down. This should seriously unnerve voters. ”

He also announced a shift to the right on social policy, declaring war on the insidious growth in consumption and distribution of penis lollies at local dairies. “We must stop penis lollies being distributed to our children, even if they are succulent and gummy,” said Wood.

Political commentator Youmus Bejoshin was slightly puzzled by the appointment of Wood to this campaign role. “Wood’s declaration of Labour’s impending defeat is logical enough, but I don’t understand the move right on social policy to ban penis lollies. Perhaps this is a sop to Winston Peters should he be in a position to join Labour in opposition.”

Bejoshin also pointed out that the easy availability of penis lollies might act as a nice sweet chewy substitute for predatory behaviour by members of parliament in recent times.