Whale v Duck: The Origins of an Asymmetrical War

A month or so ago I went hunting, as shown on this blog. The hunting was great, and traveling around we had plenty of time to talk about politics, as my mate the hunter has a pretty good understanding of politics.

The political aim of the hunting trip was to work out how I could do maximum damage to Labour during this campaign, and we decided that their weak link was their campaign manager, Duck.

As the hunter explained, there are many different ways to hunt, and a good plan can take out most animals if the hunter is good enough. He explained that for some animals like rabbits and hares you are best going out on dusk or with a spot light and a 17 HMR like Hamills Manukau sorted out for me. Birds like Pheasants and quail you need flushing dogs or points to flush them out of thick cover. Ducks you need to decoy in and call, sitting concealed in a maimai. Cats you kill however you can as they are evil. Pigs you need to be as tough as old boots, or Paula Bennett, and have a pack of dogs that love hunting. Deer you need to be willing to put in the hard yards, cover a lot of ground and make the most of the limited opportunities you get for a killing shot.

Duck, despite being a Duck, cannot really be called in or decoyed because he is actually more like an old red stag during the roar, full of testosterone and vanity, and so hung up in his own past glory he cant see that he is being fooled by a hunter roaring at him. He herds his hinds and is frantically worried about losing them to young bucks.

Thinking about this the analogy is perfect. Duck has been thrashing around roaring, smashing his antlers against trees and making a lot of noise without achieving much. He is slowly losing his hinds to the young bucks and that is driving him insane with anger. Not too long ago he was the Monarch of the Glen, and all trembled in fear when he roared, now Nashy takes the 20 year old at conference, Iain takes the stenographer, and David walks hand in hand with Jacinda. Duck roars with impotent rage as those were his hinds, all hinds were his.

The hunter reckoned we could root Labour?s campaign by taking out their campaign manager. So I set up the hunt like you would targeting a big 16 pointer, a trophy stag who is past it.

I sit on a high point with good visibility at the top of the basin, roaring occasionally at Duck, and he thrashes himself into a foam, roaring back, attempting to dominate by bluster and bravado. His mind is so fixed on the other stag roaring at him that he does not notice that the young bucks are sneaking in and taking his hinds one at a time.

This is what has happened to Duck. He has been roared at, and he has roared back, forgetting that all that roar are not stags. He has been totally side tracked, taken away from his campaign managers role in an asymmetrical war that he cannot win against a blogger who has nothing to lose.

This year is going to be a long roar, and Duck is going to continue thrashing himself to a foam without realising the enemy is not the hunter roaring at him. And the real beauty of this asymmetrical war plan is not only is the old stag neutered but the young bucks won’t come to save him because that would be too embarrassing for the crippled old stag with no hinds.