Whatever you do don’t make them angry, you won’t like it when they’re angry

Speaking at a news conference on Sunday, Thorning-Schmidt said they were not “in a fight between Islam and the West.”

“This is not a battle between Muslims and non-Muslims. It is a battle between ideas based on freedom of the individual and a dark ideology,” she said.


Satire ( to me at least ):

The ‘ dark ideology ‘ that has nothing to do with Islam is currently attacking the values of Freedom of Speech for the individual in Denmark. At what cost is this individual freedom of speech? Is the right to discuss Free Speech and draw provocative cartoons really worth the consequences? The fact remains that if the Freedom of speech forum had not been held and the Artist who drew Muhammad as a dog had not been there, those people would still be alive today. I don’t know what the Jewish guy who got slaughtered later had to do with it but he was silly to be Jewish knowing that Islam? er, the ‘ dark ideology hates Jews.

Really we can avoid all of this unpleasantness quite easily if we simply avoid offending the ‘ dark ideology. ‘

We know that they do not like Freedom of Speech so we can simply stop talking about it. How hard would that be really? There are so many other topics that we can talk about these days like the news that the thinking woman’s crumpet Benedict Cumberbatch is getting married.We don’t want to make them angry after all, we don’t like it when they’re angry.

Screen shot 2015-02-16 at 9.11.07 PM

Obviously drawing Muhammad is a no go zone but we still can feel free to print T-Shirts that say Jesus is a Good Cunt so it is not as though we can no longer be offensive, we just need to choose who we offend more carefully. There is no need to forgo the thrill of upsetting people, just pick ones who are not going to retaliate in a violent or murderous way. Islam er the ‘ dark ideology ‘ has no problem with you offending Jews or Christians or Hindus in fact it encourages it as it is as intolerant of their beliefs as it is of drawings of Muhammad. Drawing Muhammad makes them angry and you don’t want to make them angry so stick to offending every other religion and you will be ok.


It is also a good idea to stay ahead of trends and it is clear to me that Rocking a Hijab is the next big fashion trend. The ‘dark ideology’ finds women’s bodies offensive and requires that they are covered up as much as possible.Basically a woman’s body is a giant vagina that must be covered in order to prevent men being over whelmed by their sexual urges. ‘ Cover up with a rocking Hijab,’ should be our new slogan, similar to the ‘ Slip on a shirt, Slop on Sunscreen, Slap on a hat.’ ad campaign.You don’t want rape anymore than you want to get sunburned now do you? Slip on a Burka for formal occasions? and slap on a Hijab when the occasion allows it. This simple precaution will not only protect you from unwanted male attention it also avoids the danger of western women offending the ‘ dark ideology.’ because you won’t like it when they are angry.



Why not start wearing one now and get a brightly coloured one for your little daughters?

Cute Muslimah with Hijab

It doesn’t have to be black, ease her in gently with a Sponge Bob square pants pattern and when she is six and starting to think about marriage then consider something darker like er, black.


Men you too need to consider making some changes if you want to enjoy a terrorist free society. You don’t need to give up all your enjoyments, just beer and wine and spirits. Don’t worry, tobacco is still ok and you can keep New Zealand green with the occasional puff of something something if you know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink, say no more. Really you will be killing two women er birds with one stone by doing this. You will avoid upsetting the ‘ dark ideology ‘ and provoking terrorist attacks, at the same time as keeping a clear head for those times when you need to discipline your wives. Even better, the ‘ dark ideology ‘ understands that you as men have needs that need to be satiated. There is no need to be sexually frustrated if you do not yet have a wife. Lovely ladies like Gary the goat are ready, willing and able to fulfill your desires. Best of all you can chuck him on the Barbie when you are done. A new twist on the old dinner date.


Gary the goat

All these little changes will secure your future and the future of your children. These changes will future proof you when Sharia er the new laws are enforced and you will not have to struggle to fit in to your new world.

the muslim woman and her husband

Women, think of this as a great opportunity to finally drop the burdens you have been carrying. No longer will you have to worry about higher education or a career. You can be secure and cared for by a man without having to worry your pretty little eyes about anything stressful like earning a living. Ensure that he is happy and well fed and you will never have to work again. Being modestly attired in a tent is a small price to pay surely for such protection from the modern world.

Gays I am sorry but your very existence is offensive to the ‘ dark ideology. ‘ There is really only one solution, a quick sex change or hop back into the closet quick smart. Surely it is better by far to chop off your penis or hide in the closet than to be hanged or thrown off a building. I know which one I would choose and really it is no contest is it? Snip snip.


Now I can hear you saying that some of my proposals seem quite extreme and outlandish but think about it. Main stream media in New Zealand and other countries are already following my advice. They do not want to be a target of terrorism so have wisely decided to not publish Charlie Hebdo cartoons and anything else that might anger our masters? er the ‘ dark ideology ‘ that has nothing to do with Islam. Do you see them being targeted? No of course not, because they have wisely kept their heads below the parapet. Let other foolish people make themselves a target by demanding their democratic rights. They will be the ones who pay the ultimate price not you my friend. Why make them angry? You won’t like it when they’re angry.

Completely changing our way of life is a small price to pay in order to protect it from terrorist attacks. If we do not provoke the? ‘ dark ideology ‘ and follow its laws we will be safe. Of course in our new safe world we will no longer be able to dress how we want, eat how we want, work how we want, marry how we want,love who we want, worship ( or not ) how we want, draw how we want or talk how we want but we will be safe.

It is a huge small price to pay but I am sure it will work.

I bet your life on it.