Harnessing anger and my boxing experience

Detoxing off antidepressants was previously the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

How I got on those…and the other drugs prescribed to me by doctors and insurance companies is a long story and will one day be a book.

The addictions to the chemicals are profound and take a long time to flush out of the system. Part of me feels some of them are still there…for instance ever since being on antidepressants my core temperature is high, even in winter I sleep with just a sheet.

Now I am training for a boxing fight…and fighting my own demons at the same time.

Depression is always there with me…and being fit keeps it at bay…sort of.

Depression manifests itself in many, many ways, but basically it comes down to two basic responses governed by the amygdala.

Fight or Flight.

My depression manifested itself in “fight”. And I was in trouble all those years ago. I picked fights with anyone and everyone…and it got out of hand, so much so I sought help.

And so began my long journey in understanding depression, how it affected me and how to control it without the drugs which for me were ineffective except for side effects, and actually caused a longer recovery.

Part of what I learned though was to control and harness and abolish anger from my system.

Anger led to dark and horrible places. ?Anger caused problems with my interpersonal relationships and anger nearly cost me my marriage.

So I learned to harness it …but it is always lurking…and if I feel that coming back I make steps to abolish it again from my life.

How good am I at this? ??

Very good. During Dirty Politics I kept it in check, always made sure that my public statements and public appearances held the anger in check. It was there, and there is still anger lurking at the political hit job using illegal means and the sanctimony of all those involved in the plot.

But I controlled it. I am lucky too in that I have faith.

But here is the rub…I need to get angry int he boxing ring…and training is very hard if you don’t. But the problem I have had is letting myself feel that anger, and the flood of fear that if I let the anger out then I go back to those dark and fearful places.

I am fitter than I have ever been, lighter than I have been for nearly 15 years…but now it is crunch time and that anger has to come out of the little box I keep it in.

As always I have shared this with readers so they can know what it is that I am going through so they can learn too.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done…the physicality of it and the mental challenge.

No one should ever mock someone who can climb into a boxing ring…I have a new-found respect for the many people helping me train, and for those boxers who get up each morning and train and train and train to get into that ring.

I wish I had more time, but I don’t, but I will be getting into that ring and giving it my all.

I’ve already won…I’ve lost 17 kilos…I’m fit and healthy (if somewhat sore) and I’ve learned new skills.

With 10 days to go the tough stuff mentally happens now.

I’m doing this for me, but I’m also doing this for KidsCan…I’ve spent some time with the people there and they are trying really hard to help kids, I’ve seen?the?results too at a school in Christchurch.

Words can’t describe the flood of feelings…but they are good, terrifying and liberating all at the same time.

I’ll go hard…I always do.