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Yesterday I called for a short story competition based on some Kiwi slang. ?Please vote below. ?The entries start after the break. ?


I was stacking a few ZEDS when my cousin, LITTLE
SKIPPY arrived. I haven?t told many people of our relationship because he is
MEGAFUGLY and a PENCIL NECK. On his arm he had a BODACIOUS Australian woman of XAMOUNT but when she opened her gob she proved she was a FLEA that spoke a lot
of EYEWASH. It was very obvious that she would HAVE THE WOOD OVER my cousin
because he seemed to accept her WARM FUZZIES. There was no doubt she had VERBAL
DIARRHOEA as she sounded like a real YAPPER.
She then started to berate him because he had ratted
on his NEW EGG before he got out of prison and told him he should TAKE ONE?S LUMPS.
You could tell he was sick of his ARMCHAIR SAILOR as
he thought he was COOKING WITH GAS but she obviously thought he was RUNNING
LIKE A HAIRY GOAT and I could tell he would GET THE PIP over that.
Well, wouldn?t you know it, she hadn?t finished with
him and in she goes again in an UP YOU tone she said if you had used a JUMPSUIT
over your SALAMI I wouldn?t be IN THE PUDDING CLUB!
My cousin shrunk away then she turned on me and said ?look
at you and your KUTU CATCHERS and pale
skin, it?s enough to put one OFFONE?S OATS!!?
Not one to GET THE PIP easily I suggested to her to
mind her own business and that she was too QUIZZY by half.
With that she lifted her hand and cuffed me under the
ear and being the staunch Kiwi man I am I just turned and went back to my chair
and watched the Blackcaps give the Aussies another hiding



I was having a gawk at the overall make up of parliament the other day. There had been a major new intake of MP?s, especially in National?s ranks so I thought I?d try and get my head around the people walking in the corridors of power in Wellington. First of all ? most of the new National guys are a bunch of armchair sailors, so up their own arses it isn?t funny. The Bodacious new MP for Invercargill stuck out like dogs balls though considering all the megafugly?s in the house. She’s been in the pudding club a few times though. You’d think she’d make her husband put a jumpsuit on by now!

Anyway ? some of them are cooking with gas now, although as per usual all the new labour and green MP?s easily get the pip with any new right wing conspiracy that comes out in the media. Speaking of the media ? talk about verbal diarrhoea, If the herald was a car it would run like a hairy goat. Most of the repeaters are either pencil necks or talk a bunch of eyewash.

Back to parliament. The greens have decided to get rid of their quizzy leader ? maybe they?ll put their feelers out for a little skippy to take the reins. It can?t be any worse than the flea that?s co-leader at the moment. A few others in their team have
a bit of x amount but most of them make me want to go grab some zeds. Thank
god that one with the kutu catchers has chucked it in though ? imagine if he was in control!

Winston continues to think he?s the big salami and is continually trying to give john key the big up you. His latest attempts in Northland are doing the trick as he seems to have the wood over the no-name National have put up. I think Joyce is off one?s oats with how it?s all going. Hopefully the ex National MP doesn?t become a new egg otherwise all hell will break loose. But at the end of the day he needs to take one?s lumps I guess.

The rest of the year will be interesting. I have to say I have to give WOBH some warm fuzzies for dealing with that diddler Dotcom. Nikki Hager is a straight out yapper though so I?m sure we?ll be hearing more from him this year. All the
best for the rest of 2015 to the team at WOBH.



Once upon a time, there was a seriously un-bodacious armchair sailor who thought he was in contention to lead our fair country.

But of course, the NZ public recognised his particular brand of eyewash and saw he was in fact a flea, a yapper with a predilection for verbal diarrhoea. In fact many thought it would have been a good idea if his father had worn a jumpsuit at the appropriate time.

But another pencil neck (whose favourite comment is ?Up you?, and who is also megafugly) had a similar idea, so he combed his few remaining kutu catchers, and while our contender was catching X amount of zeds, was basically appointed to the position by the unions who had the wood over him, and despite his lack of electorate support.

This of course put the NZ public off their oats and gave them all the pip since they saw this as ?diddling? the system.

The Green co-leader (a little skippy), who had ideas beyond his ability to implement (let alone the wherewithal to extrapolate the real implications of his salami-like policies ? some of which would encourage women to join the pudding club and live their lives on state handouts), should have returned to his country to become a new egg (an original immigration requirement for him and his ilk).

In the meantime the incumbent leader of the government, a recipient of warm fuzzies from all types of people around the country, on account of the fact that the
economy was cooking with gas, continued his good work by making it obvious that the economy would soon change to running like a hairy goat should the unthinkable happen and we were to elect a Labour/Green government.

All this was overseen ? and commented on without fear or favour ? by a quizzy
named Cameron who was about to either take (or give) his lumps in a charitable boxing match.



Mate, sorry to hear you?ve been off your oats. I hope your gut doesn?t have the wood over you for too much longer, and that the ring sting hasn’t been to unbearable. You probably caught something from that dude with the kutu catchers serving at the bar ? he didn?t look like the kind of guy who?d scrub under the nails after handling his salami.

Hopefully the yachting on Sky Sport has been appeasing your inner arm sailor while you recover. I hear Team NZ is cooking with gas ? not! That boat seriously runs like a hairy goat.

By the way, did you hear about Dan? The diddler?s only gone and got some bodacious little skippy backpacker in the pudding club. He claims they?re in love. Now at the risk of sounding like one of those unsupportive pencil necks, and knowing Dan the way we do, his sentiments are probably complete eyewash. But on the off chance it is true love, she clearly must have consumed X amount of alcohol to find that megafuggly flea remotely doable! That would also explain her failure to insist he wore a jumpsuit. She?ll probably want to get married next. Then he really will feel like a new egg. Oh well, he?ll just have to take his lumps.

Early start tomorrow so I?ll head off now to catch some zeds, provided the yapper over the back fence doesn?t start. The last exchange I had with its Quizzy owner involved an expletive laden dose of verbal diarrhoea from her, and soundly delivered ?up you!? from me. Needless to say, the old biddy now has the pip ? and my lawn mower. Sigh. Never live next door to your mother.

Wishing you Warm fuzzies and a speedy recovery,



I was armchair sailoring one of the cooking shows on the box. A rather bodacious young filly was in the kitchen cooking with gas. Then I realised she was a bit of a diddler with the ingredients and started with the eyewash on the health benefits.

I thought what a Flea and started getting the pip with the show, then thought I have the wood over this show and reached for the remote. I was about the give it the big flick, when I noticed she was in the pudding club, I thought maybe she should of had a jumpsuit with her at the time and things could of been different.

Just then there was a knock on the door and Kevin with the Kutu catchers was standing there, even though he’s a Little Skippy and Megafugly, he’s an all right guy, but probably end up as a new egg some time soon. He looked off his oats so I asked what was wrong, he said some pencil neck was being over Quizzy cause his car was running like a hairly goat.

Cause I hadn’t got round to turning off the box, he caught a glimpse of the bodacious blond and said that would do wonders for my salami. I said that was rather crass and he’d have to take his lumps over that comment. He said up you and left, mouthing a whole bunch of verbal diarrhoea. This didn’t leave me with the warm fuzzies, but he is a bit of a Yapper, and been that way for an X amount of time. All this drama made me tired so I put my head down for a few Zeds.



At the last PTA meeting the chairman, Geoff who was known to talk a lot of eyewash, was calling for volunteers to run the school gala.

Mary, an armchair sailor, who was new to the committee was keen to give it a go but said she mightn?t be available on the day as her daughter who was in the pudding clubmight go into labour that day. The flea who got her daughter banged up is now a new egg so Mary, who wished the bludger had used a jumpsuit on his salami, has to look after her.

Mark, who everyone suspects is a diddler said he was keen to look after the dosh on the day. Quizzy Bruce, a local copper, asked him how his stretch in the slammer went. Mark retorted at least he takes his lumps.

The bodacious blonde sitting in the backrow with her yapper under her seat said it was time they had a break for a cuppa. It was her turn to bring a plate and she was keen to share.

Geoff said it was a good idea as he needed a slash in the dunny.

After supper pencil neck Bob who is suffering from verbal diarrhoea volunteered to run the pie-cart, on the day. He hoped the truck which runs like a hairy goat will make it to the school.

Everyone did a quiet snigger when megafugly Tina volunteered to demonstrate make-up and beauty tips. Garry, her husband, who has the wood over his wife got upset when Anne pipes up that Tina is the last person she would see about beauty tips. He went nuts, gave the finger, exclaimed up you to the lot of them and stormed off.

John the eldest in the group, who had been having a few zeds said he knew a young skippy who would be happy to do a sheep shearing demonstration. He said this young whipper snapper is so good on the clippers he has been known to cut his bros kutu catchers

Valerie said she hoped the meeting would finish soon as she has been off her oats all day and about to spew all over the floor.

Geoff said the gala plans were cooking with gas and hoped Tina didn’t get the pipfrom Anne?s snarky comments. He said the biggest X amount on the day was the weather.

As she was leaving, Mary was heard to remark that she has got the warm fuzzies by all the good work they were doing and it was a shame Garry spat the dummy.



A Year in Review: The best of the worst bits.
The last year has had it all, good results and bad from the election, depending on your corner, and a whole lot of weird, nasty and downright criminal sideshows to boot. From a Labour Party whose performance could only be described as being run like a hairy goat, to an economy that’s been cooking with gas, we are still dealing with the consequences and benefits respectively. Of course, the “bad” would most certainly be headlined by the so-called Dirty Politics saga, masterminded by a quizzy little flea of a man, who with his criminal enablers, undertook to contrive a narrative from selected stolen material that suited his ends. The end product was of course just a whole lot of verbal diarrhoea produced and peddled in typefaced retail format, which was then eagerly gobbled up and ably promoted by more than one MSM armchair sailor in an attempt to have the wood over the government of the day. Of course, there was far more than just one less than bodacious diddler who sought the demise of the reptillian shape-shifter led government. During the campaign we saw a nastiness not previously witnessed in our fair isles. Anti-Semitic billboard vandalism, crowds of kutu catchers and other freeloading youths chanting “up you John Key” (to use a moderated term) and the politics of not only envy, but hate. It used to be that the worst that would come out would be the occasional pencil neck salami eater with half baked ideas, the usual yapper types like Winston (who still haven’t given up), and the loony left with their warm fuzzies will save the world approach to everything. When all of this nastiness still didn’t get the desired result, well, one particular megafugly nasty with the physique of a man who looks like he spent too long as the official judge of the “happiness in pudding club” decided that the fight will go on, even after wasting x amount of millions in his own nefarious campaign to avoid justice. Lets hope the judiciary will finally take a dose of eyewash and see him for what he is, after which we live in the hope that he will get the pip in his new over-sized orange jumpsuit, and get packed like a new egg, to take ones lumps in the sort of comfort that would put one off ones oats for a rather long time. Now, I was going to continue with my thoughts on a certain little skippy up a tree in West Auckland lately, but that can wait for another day, otherwise I’ll be here all night and I’ve got a big day with the cricket tomorrow, and need to catch some zeds at a half reasonable hour.



LITTLE SKIPPY Russell Norman knew the game was up ? time to bail on the leadership after an election campaign which RAN LIKE A HAIRY GOAT. The voter had seen through his EYEWASH VERBAL DIARRHOEA as he played ARMCHAIR SAILOR like a NEW EGG after dropping the soap in the shower.
X AMOUNT DIDDLER Dotcom had stuffed it and now we?d all have to TAKE ONE?S LUMPS. UP YOU voters, he thought while he GOT THE PIP.
Nandor had cut off his KUTU CATCHERS when he?d racked off. He would not be going bush just yet, but with more time on his hands he could not wait to stop using the JUMPSUITS so the wife could pay the subs and get IN THE PUDDING CLUB. Maybe even get a YAPPER and catch up on some ZEDS.
The replacement leader would need a SALAMI ? just one ? so that would probably rule out Jan Logie he thought. The leader should be BODACIOUS, give the voter WARM FUZZIES and HAVE THE WOOD OVER JK during question time. Hating the yanks and a love of COOKING WITH GAS would also be prerequisites. Someone who gets up at sparrow fart, does not spit the dummy with a she?ll be right attitude.
Unfortunately the contenders were a mix of MEGAFUGLY, QUIZZY PENCIL NECKS with the odd FLEA thrown in. Every Tom, Dick and Harry was putting their hand up. Some were two sammies short of a picnic while others were just a wet blanket. It?s enough to put voters OFF ONES OATS!




Oh I wish I was a green MP
In a green hemp suit
With my bodacious kutu catchers
And packed lunch of leaves and roots

I’d be like little Skippy
I think he’s retiring soon
I’d have verbal diarrhoea
Morning, night and noon

I’d throw around a lot of eyewash
And get the pip if it’s thrown back
I’d accuse the PM of being a diddler
And demand he get the sack

I’d demand to run the finance
“Up you!” is what I’d quote
I’d be tweaking up the budget
To run like a hairy goat

I can’t wait to have the wood over
Those pencil necks there to the right
I’d be cooking it with gas
I’d be itching for a fight.

I’d be waving my salami
There’d be no jumpsuit for me
The pudding club’s no worries
With my vasectomy.

I’d be a quizzy little yapper
X amount would be my fee.
I’d say “you give me my flag back”
I’d be a megafugly flea

But frankly I’m an armchair sailor
It sounds too much work for me
Taking one’s lumps is not my stylez
I need warm fuzzies, herbal tea

I’m a wee bit off my oats, you’ll have
to find some other new egg
I’m feeling somewhat poorly
I’m off to catch some zeds.


Please vote for your entry, voting closes at midnight. ?Although it will be obvious by looking, the winner will be announced tomorrow.

My choice for the best story is

  • Bea (45%, 47 Votes)
  • johcar (19%, 20 Votes)
  • Sally (12%, 13 Votes)
  • Isherman (10%, 11 Votes)
  • Curly1952 (4%, 4 Votes)
  • stutron (3%, 3 Votes)
  • Roger (3%, 3 Votes)
  • Karma (2%, 2 Votes)
  • Hedgehog (2%, 2 Votes)

Total Voters: 88

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