Government to recruit migrants for ‘bludger busting’ duties

by Lord Evans

Ukrainian woman trapped in a war zone prepares food for her family

Ukrainian woman trapped in a war zone prepares food for her family

The government has signaled a new initiative to improve the lifestyle and welfare of New Zealand’s most dependent families. As part of discussions with the UNHCR, Immigration Minister Michael Woodhouse has agreed to take more refugees from regions such as Ukraine. New Zealand currently takes around 750 refugees per year. As many as 50 extra places would be available for migrants who have a very particular set of skills; skills acquired over a very long time. Points will be awarded to those refugees who have survived with no government handouts, have a BMI less than 18, and score below average on political correctness. ??

Speaking to WINZ officials this week, Mr Woodhouse said “One of the main issues around welfare is generational dependency so we are fortunate to be able to recruit families from war torn and impoverished nations that have long learned to live on the smell of an oily rag.. We believe that this initiative, which has been coined “Bludger Budget Busters”, ( try saying that 3 times quickly) will provide new immigrants with needed skills to resettle quickly into the community. It’s a big win for the Government as it will satisfy the oppositions’ whinging over increasing the intake of refugees, as well as those bleating about bludgers being too fat and wasting their welfare on unnecessary spending,” Mr. Woodhouse added effusively.

The details of the scheme are yet to be finalised but it’s understood that WINZ would employ refugees as private contractors who would be assigned up to seven ‘Donor Families’, each with long term bludging issues. The Bludger Busting refugee will take over responsibility for all spending decisions of their Donor Families. A percentage of the money saved will provide the migrants with a basic income, which is estimated to be up to 10 times what they lived on in their home countries. Bonuses will be added for removing freeloaders from welfare, eventually allowing the refugees to become independent at zero nett cost to the tax payer. Treasury forecasts show the policy will return around $8.5 million to government coffers in the first 2 years, rising to $25 million per year by year 6. The valuable lessons learnt by dependants will give them the choice to either survive on almost nothing or go find a job, effectively breaking the bludging cycle. It’s also been suggested that some of the refugees’ knowledge of tactics used for survival in urban warfare will help equip the donor family, particularly in crime ravaged areas of South Auckland.

When asked to comment, former Labour spokesperson for Welfare, Carmel Sepuloni, said “Why are you asking me? Just because my mother’s a convicted welfare fraudster doesn’t mean I agree with paying foreigners to point out how easy it is to scam the system in this country.”

Greens co-leader Metiria Turei could not be reached for comment, but sources close to her said she was considering laying a complaint under The Human Rights Act for discriminating against people who were genetically lacking in mathematical ability.

If the scheme is successful, it may be widened to include spendthrift local governments.