Can corporate weasel words cause strokes?

Did Christopher Luxon's corporate weasel words cause Bob Jones to have a stroke?

Did Christopher Luxon’s corporate weasel words cause Bob Jones to have a stroke?

National treasure, Bob Jones, thinks that corporate weasel words can cause strokes.

Worse, he thinks Air New Zealand’s CEO caused his stroke.

I was perusing the Herald?s farcical annual supplement, ?Mood of the Boardroom,? in which various public company chief executives? platitudes on the state of the nation are aired. That the Herald thinks these characters have anything meaningful to say says plenty about journalists? naivety.

Worldwide, the primary qualification for such positions is possessing a ?safe pair of hands,? and a kick-for-touch approach to everything. Having opinions on anything beyond established orthodoxy would mean automatic disqualification for the job. The exceptions are the likes of, say, Rod Duke who actually created their companies.

Anyway, there I was; someone who, according to my GP, has the fitness of a 40-year-old, regular health checks, satisfactory blood pressure and a strong heart, this all pertinent to what occurred, reading this guff when I encountered a heading, ?Strategic Thinking from Air New Zealand?s Chief Christopher Luxon,? this arguably the most banal nonsense ever to see the light of day since Gutenberg invented the printing press. I ploughed through with increasing outrage and, as my horror mounted, suddenly my brain turned to mush and I had a stroke.

Oh no, a stroke…caused by the NZ Herald.

Major shock
Following a brain scan the next day I was grilled as to whether I?d suffered a major shock just before I was hit. I most certainly had, explained what I?d read and issued a warning to the radiologists, which I repeat now. Fortunately, the scan revealed the stroke scar but no bleeding which apparently is where the real danger lies. Anyway, you?ve been warned, so now cop this.

Luxon told the Herald he ?questions whether enough attention is paid to the country?s narrative,? whatever that?s supposed to mean. He continued, ?We went into a more tactical conversation around the flag debate ? without having that foundation support or narrative in place.?? Make sense of that gibberish and there?s a free trip to El Salvador.

A free trip to El Salvador? I fear that Bob’s cash is safe.

It gets much worse. For then Luxon expounded on equality with this illiteracy. ?When you talk about inequality, as New Zealanders we either implicitly or explicitly have very strong views about where we think we should be going in that continuum.?? (I?m not making this up) ?And we haven?t had that debate as a nation yet about what that means for us all. Because with that [with bloodywhat?] comes some sacrifices about choices that you have yet to make, about how you might want that [what for God?s sake] to be, and some consequences, good or bad.?

Possible explanations for this claptrap are either Luxon was taking the mickey or was blind drunk when he wrote it. Another is that he is a Maori, Maori men being much given to spouting meaningless verbiage, given an audience. Dover Samuels had this down to an art form and could pump out words for 20 tortuous minutes without any coherent connection or purpose. But talking and writing are different propositions and Dover would never have put this sort of rubbish in print.

There was much more, such as Luxon?s king-hit, ungrammatical strategic thinking, as promised by the Herald?s heading with this supposed sentence.? ?From top to bottom of this country there?s a list of infrastructure.? That is unbelievable coming from anyone with an education beyond primary school.

With corporate weasel words like that, Luxon would have tipped out Vic Crone from the top spot of people who use corporate weasel words to no effect.

Blood on his hands?
He concluded with this delicious irony when he moved on to education and claimed something he certainly practises, commenting, ?It?s not just about literacy.?

Given the effect of this vacuous hogwash on me, a relatively healthy individual, one can only speculate whether Luxon has blood on his hands and that there was a sharp spike in strokes, heart attacks and deaths across Auckland on the day of publication.

If he ever puts pen to public paper again he could well face a manslaughter charge as the country?s worse ever mass killer as sensitive readers of a delicate disposition, such as myself, keel over in droves.

Does he, I wonder, actually talk like this? If so, then surely it?s a matter of union intervention on behalf of his underlings. No one should have to suffer so. Should Christopher face manslaughter charges and justifiably end up in prison and then utter this gibberish to his fellow inmates, the nation could be up for millions as prisoners sue for breach of our UN treaty signatory commitment against cruel and unusual punishments, that?s of course, as is more likely, that they don?t murder him first.

In fairness, knowing public company management types, possibly he had a PR firm write this twaddle for him. I say that mindful of a dinner party over 25 years ago when I found myself sitting next to the then chairman of the Stock Exchange.? ?Your weekly columns are great. I really look forward to reading them,? he said to me. I thanked him, whereupon he followed up with, ?Which PR firm do you get to write them??

Bob writes all his own stuff, though it would probably be more accurately described as dictated to?some lovely in his office for them to write it up. Still, he is far more erudite than many professional scribblers.

 

– NBR

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