New Year Dishonours List

Guest Post:?by?Brian Rogers

As we move beyond the festive furore for another year, we’re doffing our collective caps to the upcoming awards season with a look back at the mad, the bad and the sad of the last 12 months. So here, in no particular order, is The Weekend Sun’s New Year Dishonours List:

Best Fat Loss Programme of the Year: ?Extradition of Dotcom.

Best Fireworks Display: Kim Jong-un for his series of super-duper skyrockets.

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Most Spectacular Election Loss Despite the Most Votes: National Party.

Shot Self in Foot Award:? Metiria Turei for trying to milk emotional brownie points but finding it backfires; loses job and any remnants of credibility.

Drop Kick Award: Dan Carter caught drunk driving in France in February. Kicked into touch as brand ambassador for Land Rover.

Really Stupid Award: To the ACC for agreeing to pay thousands of dollars for Pok?mon Go injuries.

Forward Thinking Award: The chap who dug up the Marsden Point fuel pipeline and plunged the top half of the country into fuel shortages including Auckland Airport.

Resort of the Year: Manus Island Retreat. You’ll have a smashing time. What a riot. Views to die for…

Stupid Headline of the Year: “Murder Gone Wrong” in the case of Ben McLean’s admission of killing his wife and shooting her new partner. When did murder ever go right?

Best Emergency Call of the Year: To the woman who dialled 111 because her dyed hair did not match the colour on the packet and she wanted a refund. Runner-up goes to the guy who called emergency services because he could not turn off the television set.

Silly Idea of the Year: Attempts to shift the school holidays to February when “it’s warmer.” Then this November-December turns out to be one of the hottest on record. […]

Best Impersonation of the Year: To Jacinda Ardern, in a convincing portrayal of Mrs Trudeau.

Biggest oversight: Goes to Santa Claus, for his outright failure to understand the Kiwi accent (in the recent Air New Zealand ad). After all, it was exactly 375 years ago, just before noon in 1642, that the first European – Dutch explorer Abel Tasman – sighted NZ. You’d think Santa would have this sorted by now.

Deserter of the Year Award: ?The closing down of New Zealand’s iconic Cadbury chocolate factory in Dunedin its move to Australia is pretty much up there, yes? We don’t want ?croc scales in our chocolate bars.

Dud punt of the year: The Nats put all their money on ?The Bill?, only for this old stayer to run second yet again. Will he get a start next time around?

The Duke of Edinburgh Award: Phil steps down because he can’t think of another person in the world to offend.

Worst All Black Set Play of the Year: Aaron Smith’s Christchurch Airport ?dunny dalliance.

The Blind Mice Award: All the fawning rugby punters who tried to shift the blame and the shame for Smith’s indiscretion onto the people who recorded the evidence.

Best Post-Brexit Extended Scene in a Movie: Goes to the makers of the next James Bond film, which is now an hour-and-a-half longer to accommodate scrutiny of his passport every time he jets between exotic European locations.

Most Inappropriate Use of a Condom Award: Goes to ?Conservative Spokesman? Andrew Roth, who tweeted: ?Trump condoms everything that happened in Charlottesville.? Remember folks, stay safe, use a condemn.

Contradiction of the Year Award: Goes to the UK’s propped-up Conservative government, who have pledged more than ?50 million in aid to war-torn Yemen – but not before selling arms worth over ?4 billion to the Saudi coalition that caused the devastation in the first place.

Bittersweet Moment of the Year: Andrew Little watching Jacinda Ardern become Prime Minister.

Paul Walker Driver of the Year Certificate: The guy who took a luge down the Kaimais.

United Future Award for Biggest Political Wipeout: A tie between United Future and Maori Party

Hone Harawira Cup for Maori Activities: Maanu Paul, for claiming the entire foreshore and seabed on behalf of ?all Maori.

The Give and Take Award: Bestowed upon the Auckland intermediate school which collected $3700 for Fiji flood victims before deciding the money could be better spent – on itself.