A GCSB-intercepted message: Satire


Attn His Excellency the Iranian Ambassador to NZ
The Terrace

Re: My Iranian passport renewal

Dear Your Excellency Ambassador Jaladin,

I am writing to renew my Iranian passport. I have put myself down as a “human rights specialist” but you shouldn’t worry ? I don’t mean it literally, of course; I mean it in the UN sense. I’ve already told everyone here not to support those bloody pro-democracy activists you were having issues with. I’ve got your back!

Also, don?t worry about my association with the Holocaust Centre. I’ve infiltrated the centre as a payback for the Mossad’s recent theft of our archival treasure in Teheran. Not sure how long they?ll allow me to operate in there before they realise I’ve smuggled out their secret matza ball soup recipe to my handler, the double agent Justine Sachs. Anyway, no one will dare raise this in NZ soon because in a few years anyone who criticises me will be put in jail for hate speech if my friend Susan Devoy and I get our way. I can’t wait to make this place a little more like home. You can take the girl out of Teheran but you cant take Teheran out of the girl. Wink, wink.

Just to put your mind truly at ease, you should have heard me at an event that comrades Roger Fowler and Joe Carolan organised a few weeks ago. They are such good guys! I proclaimed publicly that Israel was committing “genocide”. Everyone believed me just like they did when I said I defended human rights in Rwanda. LOL. Speaking of genocide, you probably know that I actually defended genocidaires in Rwanda and I want to convey to General Salami that when the Ayatollah finally gets around to ?wiping Israel off the map? I will be there to defend him! I am committed to the Iranian Party of God?s cause.

I hope the photo I’m attaching is OK. You might recognise the burka, its Anjum Rahman?s. She lent it to me on the condition I tell her how I made it to parliament ? I think she want?s to join Labour but isn?t sure if they are as anti-sem…, I mean anti-Zionist as the UK branch yet. John Minto skipped an important lawn bowls meet to help me take the photo so I hope it’s OK. Anjum and John also support you and ?The? Supreme Leader, although I had to convince John that that was Ayatollah Khomeini and not Helen Clark.

We had a chat at my photo shoot and we are all appalled at the Zionist entity?s humiliating infiltration of your secret nuclear program archives in central Teheran. How did that happen, by Allah? John thinks you should open an Iranian Embassy in the Heart of Jerusalem because all Teheran’s top-secret documents are already there. The rest of the move will be as easy as convincing Obama you really don?t want a nuke for your long-range ballistic missiles, which can reach London and Washington. But seriously, you shouldn’t worry about NZ doing or saying anything. They liked Obama’s plan even before I could say anything and Winston just sees the dollar signs of sending you some sheep.

By the way, we were hoping to see you at the dress-up party Russian Ambassador Valery Tereshenko threw at the Russian embassy. It was a complete blast! I dressed as a Russian spy and Ambassador Tereshenko dressed as Jacinda Ardern pressing an oversized magnifying glass up over her eyeball like Sherlock Holmes. She pretended not to find me all night. LOL! ? I heard you arrived later to taste the Syrian halva. You might have been disappointed; it had an unusual smell of chlorine about it. Nevertheless, Winston is now trying to fill the empty crates it came in with NZ butter to send back to Moscow ? so many neat new friendships being made!

I hope the application will be OK and I’m happy to explain anything else if you need.



Credit: Rr