Comedy corner: Non-PC jokes guaranteed to offend

Welcome to politically incorrect Comedy corner: the one place on Whaleoil where you are allowed to read and share naughty and offensive jokes that make us all laugh even though we are not supposed to. If you are offended by these kinds of jokes then please do not read this post.

A man is hitch-hiking up the dual carriageway when a lorry stops for him. As he climbs into the cab he notices a monkey sitting on the dashboard. After chatting for a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says,
“I’ll show you.” He hits the monkey very hard with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the cab. The monkey picks itself up and disappears between the driver’s legs, unzips his jeans, pulls out the driver’s willy and proceeds to give him a blow job. Afterwards, the monkey gets some tissues, cleans the driver up, zips it all back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
“See that?” said the trucker.
“Yeah, bloody amazing!” says the man. Then trucker asks him,
“Do you want to give it a try?” The man says,
“OK, but don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey…..”

How do you know your wife?s dead ?

Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained,
“I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.
“No… I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician,
“Your secretary has said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you care to comment on this?”
“The truth is,” replied the politician, “that she has a very big mouth.”