Secret diary of Simon Bridges

National leader Simon Bridges


Dear Diary

I have a dirty little secret. I try to hide it but I have a sense of humour. I know I shouldn’t and as the leader of New Zealand’s largest centre-left party, I know that it is wrong. I know this because that lovely Golriz Ghahraman explained to me why it is wrong to laugh at minorities.

It is hard though, really hard, since the government is a coalition of minorities.

Heh, I made a joke.

Shhhh it will be our little secret…


Dear Diary

I read somewhere that Jacinda Ardern’s government is referred to in mocking?tones as the Coalition of losers or the CoL.

I don’t know where I read that. Somewhere on social media, I think.

It’s amazing what interesting tidbits you can pick up on social media. I follow all kinds of accounts across the political spectrum. I even follow Whaleoil because quite frankly I am addicted to Comedy Corner. It is my guilty little pleasure. Honestly, parliament is so politically correct these days it is a relief to be able to have a good belly laugh when no one is watching.


Dear Diary

I want to win over the Greens so it is essential that I do not reveal that I have a sense of humour. It is my dream one day to forge a Blue Green coalition so my sense of humour is a secret that I must keep to myself. I feel a little ashamed. It must be my white guilt. It is always a good thing to acknowledge my white guilt. The women in parliament lap that kind of thing up. I almost wish that I hadn’t identified as being Maori so I could get extra bonus points for dissing other white men LOL

Speaking of white men I have been reading some really interesting articles about old white men. I don’t know where I saw them. On social media again I suppose. Someone told me they were written in reaction to something that lovely Julie Anne Genter said. I am amazed at how many wonderful things old white men have achieved. Most of them I didn’t even know existed.


Dear Diary disaster has struck!

I was scrolling through my twitter feed on my phone and a photo of Clarke Gayford popped up. I will never forget how he mocked me on social media by making fun of my surname and taking a political jab at me on behalf of his girlfriend the lovely Jacinda Ardern. I couldn’t resist a little chuckle seeing him on my screen in a pink bra. Before I knew what was happening my thumb had crept to the like button.

When I got bailed up by a journalist I started to panic because it turns out that the funny pic was published on Whaleoil. The first thing I did in my panic was to ask myself, ” What would John Key do?” and after that it was easy. I immediately disavowed all knowledge and chucked Slater under the bus. He should be used to it by now: god knows we Nats aren’t known for our loyalty.

I also used the Bill Clinton defence which I thought was rather clever of me. I basically said I didn’t inhale…or was that the Obama defence? Anyway, I said it was an accident and I deleted it almost immediately.

I then called myself a Twat. The women in parliament will lap that up. A man putting himself down is music to left-wing ears.

John Key was known as Teflon John because nothing bad would stick. Maybe I will soon get my own cool nickname too.

I read somewhere that some people call me Soyman which I think is a pretty cool name. Soy is so good for you and I use soy milk in my morning coffee.

I don’t know where I read that.

It was on social media somewhere.