The secret diary of Jacinda Ardern

WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND – 24 OCTOBER: Prime minister-designate Jacinda Ardern and NZ First leader Winston Peters shake hands during a coalition agreement signing?(Photo by Hagen Hopkins/Getty Images)


Dear Diary

it was a?rough day in the house today. I was up and down in my seat like a bloody jack in the box!

That reminds me, I need to go shopping for some more baby things. I want to get a soft Nemo fish for little Karl.

I really wish David Seymour and Judith Collins would give it a rest. They have taken to opposition like a fish to water and right now I wish I could bang them on the head with a club and gut them like a trout. I have a throbbing headache and my ankles have turned into cankles.

If only they were all like Simon Bridges. He is such a nice guy and we have so much in common. I often bump into him when coming out of the ladies loo (I practically live in there these days with little Karl bouncing on my bladder all day) and he always asks me how I am.


Dear Diary

Grant is rushing around the Beehive like a demented queen bee. His big moment in the spotlight is coming next week and he is so excited. It is almost comical watching him acksually (no, that doesn’t look right, but that’s how it sounds, never mind).

He seems to be pulling numbers out of his… ummm, calculator (better be careful, those OIA people might get to see this) and he really has no idea how he is going to fund it all.

During the election we made a big fuss about Joyce and the $11-billion-dollar?hole that he claimed he had found. Fortunately, the Media party backed us to the hilt as well as those economist fellows, whom we promised would get a working group role if they agreed, and it all went away.

Old Steven, he didn’t know the half of it. $11 billion hole? LOL, we should be so lucky.

I mean, look at that speech the other day. Grant promised $42 billion spending then talked about $900 million extra tax revenue and $700 million saved by not doing something or other that Key promised.? Even a fish-and-chip girl can work out there is a bit of a gap there.

I certainly hope that Judith catches the flu or something and is not in the house when Grant steps up. She will chew him up and spit him out. He’s such a lovely boy really, but so lost when it comes to numbers.