The secret diary of Jacinda Ardern

WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND – OCTOBER 24: Prime Minister-designate Jacinda Ardern and NZ First leader Winston Peters shake hands during a coalition agreement signing?(Photo by Hagen Hopkins/Getty Images)


Dear Diary

what a whirlwind few months it has been. So much has happened since I last wrote and I can hardly believe it myself. I didn’t want to be Labour’s leader but when called upon by my comrades to step up I did what I was asked. Actually,?Andrew practically begged me so it was a little bit embarrassing. I felt a little ill. I don’t know if it was the pressure or morning sickness but I did my bit.

It was around that time that I told Andrew that I was going to be relentlessly positive no matter how bad I felt. Our spin doctor thought that we should use it as a?campaign slogan. I just smiled and said, “let’s do this.”

Clarke was so supportive and encouraging. He made me a lovely meal and told me that it was like he had won the lottery. I must have been tired because he told me later that he had clearly said “we.”


Dear Diary

even though I am now the Prime Minister and one of the most important and powerful people in New Zealand it is still the little things that are important to me.

Speaking of little things I mustn’t forget to soak Clarke’s nuts tonight.

I must say that I am enjoying being Prime Minister. It is not at all as hard as so many people have claimed. Winston has been so kind and understanding. I find him so supportive in the house and he is happy to take care of so many of those annoying little details so that I am free to do the really important duties like visiting primary schools and handing out aid money to our Pacific?neighbours. Not Fiji or course and certainly not charter schools (ugh.)


Dear Diary

after a good long soak overnight I am ready to give Clarke’s nuts a good hard squeeze.

My life is a whirl of official engagements but you know there is only one engagement that really matters.

I have dropped hints, pointed out some gorgeous rings on fingers in and around the palace and at the Commonwealth heads of government meetings, but did he take the bait? For a so-called fisherman, with a show entitled ‘Fish of the day,’?he is frustratingly slow to reel me in.

The catch of the century is sharing his bed, but he can’t even get his lines straight. I despair sometimes, I really do.


Dear Diary

I have got as much milk as I can out of Clarke’s nuts and he is really pleased. He loves having almond milk in his morning coffee and as I said earlier it is the little things that count.

In his interview with some magazine, he told them how thoughtful I am and how I often go out of my way to squeeze them for him. Wasn’t that sweet of him?

I wonder if Judith Collins squeezes nuts for her husband??I bet she crushes them to a paste and spreads them on his toast (snigger.)

Hmmm I wonder where I am having a photo shoot today? Not Taranaki I am guessing.

I am sure Greenpeace will give me a warm welcome. I must pencil them in for a visit.