The secret diary of Phil Twyford


I don?t understand why everyone thinks this is so hard! It?s just four walls and a roof for goodness sake. I was able to whip one up out of lego the other day, only took a few minutes. I mean, really, it?s not difficult. But then I am quite clever, so maybe I shouldn?t rush to judge people who aren?t as smart as me. Jacinda might tell me off for being too judgy. She?s already had to use her frowny face on me this week. Thank goodness that Curran woman is making such a mess of her job. She’s taking the heat off me for the moment, but I’d better hope Jacinda sees how clever I am soon.

So silly not being allowed to use my phone on the plane, don?t they know how important I am? I mean, it?s not as if the plane fell out of the sky. If I ever find out who ratted me out to that Collins woman…


Just when I think I?m finally beginning to cobble a plan together, someone comes along and spoils it. These silly people complaining about where the houses are going to be built. Bunch of nimbys. I mean, here I am being all clever and making stuff up on the fly when we?re not exactly overflowing with options. If they don?t like it, they can just move out. Go to Pokeno or Dairy Flat. That?s the answer. I?ll just tell them that.


The other day, I overheard someone saying how clever I think I am. I?m so glad others have noticed it too. Then they started talking about fig jam. I?ve never tried fig jam. I wonder what it tastes like? I might like it. I must ask Joanna to get some for my toast in the morning.
Speaking of jam, those nasty people at Treasury are trying to paint the worst possible scenario for my housing numbers. So wet behind the ears, I?m sure they are straight out of University. They get one little degree and think they know everything. I have this all figured out, no need for them to come along and confuse things with the facts.


I think I?ve hit on my cleverest idea yet. Genius, I really think it?s genius. Some scientist chap reckons we can tweak the numbers for testing meth contamination. Well good news, that means a whole bunch of houses that are empty waiting for meth clean-up can now be used. How clever is that? This homelessness thing will be done and dusted and I can get on with the really fun stuff.

A tram down Dominion Road, what a brilliant idea!? It?s my secret vanity project. Everyone thinks it will be good for Auckland, but really it?s just something for Auckland to remember me by. Every time they whizz to the airport in one of my trams, they?ll think about me and remember how important I was.
I wonder if I will get to have my name on a tram?? Or a stop named after me.? Phil’s stop.? Ha!? Now that really is clever. ?I must get my secretary to fill out that MENSA application again, they must take me this time.


Friday, I hate Fridays. The A.M. show with that horrible Collins woman. She has no idea how clever I am and she thinks she can catch me out with all sorts of fancy numbers. It?s almost as if she thinks I can?t do my job!
Maybe I should pat her on the arm again, she seems to like that, it makes her feel important.
I have to say I really like this fig jam, it sets the mood perfectly for the day.
Ah well, another week gone. No houses built yet, but I?ve been so brilliant this week that this housing crisis will be fixed in no time at all. ?I just need to find a way to make that Collins woman see how clever I really am.


Judith Collins and Phil Twyford on The AM Show. Photo credit: The AM Show.