Advice from Auntie Roger

Brian Rogers

Readers may recall that a few weeks ago The Sun received letters asking for wise and sage advice.

More letters have been flowing in ever since (though none yet written on the requested $20 note but I sit by the letterbox in eager anticipation. If you don?t have change, a $50 will do).

It?s an honour that the people of the Bay trust Auntie Roger?s advice and seek it, and we are more than happy to offer consoling advice and forthright comment on your life?s issues.

Here?s a selection from the troubled populace:? ?

Dear Auntie Roger

I?m the coach of a 12-year-olds? soccer team and looking for some outdoor action for the boys, for some adventure and team bonding. Just wondering what your thoughts are on, say, caving?

– The Mole.

Dear Mole, I can highly recommend mini golf.

– Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger

How do I tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

– Once Bitten.

Dear Once Bitten,

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether it sees you later, or in a while.

I hope that clears things up for you.

– Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger

I?m the coach of the English soccer team.

Will we ever win the World Cup again?

– Just Wondering.

Dear Just Wondering, just keep wondering. Everyone needs something to believe in. No matter how implausible.

Do you think the Americans ever dreamed they could successfully fake the moon landing?

Of course! Hope is the basis of well, hope. Keep on hoping.

– Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger

On several occasions while visiting my neighbours, the Harris?, and the guy with the beard, Rolf has insisted on tying me down. Now he considers this some sort of sport, but I?m not comfortable with bondage. Could this be a violation of my rights?

– The Kangaroo.

Dear Kangaroo. This is not an ideal situation and there could be other victims.

The platypus has alleged interference and it involved a cockatoo. Be careful out there, sport.

– Auntie Roger.

Dear Auntie Roger

I?m fairly liberal minded but I suspect there?s something a bit kinky going on here. There are Two Little Boys, one called Rolf, and every time he rides me, he invites his mate to mount me as well. I never signed up for a threesome. Should I call the SPCA?

– The Wooden Horse.

Dear Wooden Horse, sounds dodgy to me. But consider yourself lucky, the kangaroo has seen worse. – Auntie Roger

Points to ponder

Here are some more poignant thoughts, sent by avid reader Mike:

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4am. For example, it could be the right number.

No one ever says: “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.

Be careful about reading the fine print – there?s no way you?re going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Money can?t buy happiness but somehow it?s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Lada.

Always be yourself, because the people that matter don?t mind and the ones that mind don?t matter.