Spot the inappropriate song

Brian Rogers

Inappropriate tunes in the worst possible places.

It?s been another oddball week in the news. Just the way we like it.

Medical and misadventures seemed to be top of the bizarre list, with an entire Thai football team discovered still alive after 10 days underground, trapped in a cave system and a massive effort underway to free them.

The soccer World Cup is well under way, but many players are afflicted by a mysterious and debilitating condition that causes them to fall to the ground writhing in pain.

Dr Bootie, the American surgeon, was relieved of her duties after going viral with catchy dance moves and shakin’ that thang… while her patients were out-for-the-count. I’ve seen a better bottom shake from my labrador climbing out of the fish pond.

Anyway, apparently, she was sacked… not for the musical appreciation, but for generally being a crap doctor.

Waiting room blues

We?ve been spending a bit of time in medical waiting rooms lately and amusing ourselves with my favourite game called ?Spot the inappropriate song?.

The idea started in Tauranga Hospital’s radiology department reception area with a tasteful rendition from Blood, Sweat & Tears. “I’m not scared of dying and I don’t really care…” That?s perfect listening before getting your test results.

A little dark humour is a great way to lighten up the day.

More inappropriate songs we?ve enjoyed in waiting rooms:

?The Final Countdown? was another favourite in the cardiac unit, followed by ??I just died in your arms tonight? and I always have fond recollections of my wonderful surgeon when we hear ?The first cut is the deepest?.

According to REM, ?Everybody Hurts?.

Musical medication

Neil Young’s always up for a cheerful number ? “I’ve seen the needle and the damage done” – although he was referring to self-medication in this case.

We note it is tricky to sing ?The Air that I Breathe? while wearing an oxygen mask.

?Man Down? seemed particularly inappropriate for a bloke struggling to get up off the bathroom floor. At least it wasn’t Chuck Berry with ?My Ding-A-Ling?.

Favourite night-time listening included ?Don?t fear the Reaper?, a bit of easy listening from Metallica with ?Fade to Black? and you can’t go past a bit of evening mood music with ?Bad Moon Rising?.

A special mention has to go out to the anaesthesiologists out there, with ?Comfortably Numb?.

Ideal for the cardiac unit: ?Don?t Go Breaking My Heart? and ?Counting the Beat?.

Songs you don’t need to hear on aeroplanes: ?Freefalling? and ?Ring of Fire?.

On cruise ships: ?Six months in a leaky boat? and ?The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald?.

Counting the beat

CPR instructors give trainees the choice of humming ?Stayin’ Alive? or ?Another One Bites the Dust? when doing CPR.

Both songs have the ideal cadence for the recommended speed of chest compressions.

Although we have to question whether the Bee Gees song actually works since two out of three of them have bitten the dust.

I’ve just refreshed my first aid training with MediTrain and instructor Stu reliably informs us the chest compression rate is now faster than before; 100 pumps a minute. Thirty pumps and two breaths for any age and size victim. “Thirty and two, no matter who.” Thanks Stu.

There must be many more musical matches out there and our readers are welcome to suggest more.

Maternity annex: ?Pop goes the Weasel?.

And probably not what Dean Martin had in mind as he crooned ?Baby it?s ?Cold Outside?.

Levels of risqu?

There are plenty of other songs out there that suddenly take on a new risqu? level of inappropriateness when we find out what they are actually about.

Prince was not singing about a car in his 1999 hit ?Little Red Corvette?. It’s a song about a one-night stand. ?Gimme the keys… I’m gonna try to tame your little red love machine?.

There’s plenty of speculation that Madonna’s ?Like a Prayer?, which angered religious groups the world over, is not actually about church. She’s never clarified it, but many believe the symbolism of being on her knees is for other reasons.

How many of you have jiggled around at a wedding, doing the Macarena?

Most of you, I bet, since it become a worldwide dance hit in 1994. But the Spanish song, according to the Huff Post translation, is about this girl Macarena who has a boyfriend and she’s cheating on him with two of his mates while he’s being drafted into the army. The perfectly inappropriate wedding song!

And if you thought Bryan Adams was reminiscing about a great time of youthful innocence in ?Summer of ’69? a bit of research reveals he was actually only 10 in that year and he’s admitted the song is not actually about a place and time but is a sexual reference. Yes, those could well have been the best days of his life.

And topping the inappropriate scales has to be the Spice Girls, considering their target market. ?2 Become 1″ is not a nice tweeny tune. It is all about sex.

Your homework this week is to come up with a few more. Try the dentist, physio and a beauty parlour for starters.

Suggestions to: [email protected] and the winners will receive a free twerk from my labrador.