Jacinda cancels summer


In another defining moment for our generation, New Zealand’s Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has cancelled summer.

The announcement was made to a class of 8-year old pupils, a move which has come to typify New Zealand’s ‘youth adjacent’ PM.? Calling it another generational moment where New Zealand can show real leadership to the world, Ms Ardern explained the reasons behind her latest ‘Captain’s Call’ to the clearly bewildered and obviously disappointed pupils.

Summer is a time when, based on previous years, the weather has gotten warmer.? People tend to buy cold drinks and the plastic straw usage increases exponentially.? As we all know, plastic straws kill turtles, so any moves my government can make to reduce this uptick in straw usage is a good thing.

Another important issue is plastic gelato spoons. When the weather warms during summer, people tend to go to the beach and buy ice creams or gelatos. The little spoons that are supplied with tubs of ice cream or gelatos are plastic and as beaches are often found close to the oceans, there is an imminent danger that these little plastic spoons will end up in the ocean and kill the whales, or penguins, or was it turtles, never mind, children, there is a possibility that they will harm the environment so should be banned.

Also, we have noted that polystyrene chilly bins are used more in the summer to keep picnics cool. Once again, these polystyrene chilly bins get taken to the beach on summer days.? As I have explained, beaches are often near water and so there is the possibility that the polystyrene could end up in the ocean thus killing all the fish.

Apart from all the plastic picnic ware and other food-related issues, plastic frisbees can be used as playthings on beaches by over-exuberant children.? Plastic – beaches – water, they simply do not belong in the same sentence any longer.

It is time New Zealand showed real leadership in this area.

Unfortunately, for the little ones, sand castles will be a thing of the past.? Plastic buckets and spades are simply far too common a sight on New Zealand beaches in summer.? With the ocean so close by, this cannot continue in our enlightened times.

Children, I am sure that you can think of many other examples of situations where the evil plastic gets far too close to our oceans over summer and it seemed to the ministers in charge, our parliamentary colleagues in the Green Party, to whose ideas and wishes we have to submit, that making a list of all the different plastic items that are used on or near our beaches in summer would be too difficult. It was therefore agreed that it was much simpler discourage people from going anywhere near a beach by banning summer.

Would any of you like to come and see Neve? I have brought her along for show and tell.