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Europe According to Donald?Trump

Monday’s to Friday’s MOTD is dedicated to Yanko Tsvetkov’s work. He’s a teller of stories, porkies and truth (well in some cases).

In the summer of 2018 The Donald put Melania and a pair of clean underwear in his suitcase, and went on a trip to Europe. Here?s what happened next.

Americans love a good summer trip to Europe. And why wouldn?t they? To quote Eddie Izzard, this is where history comes from. It?s not that they are fundamentally interested in it, mind you. To most of them, history is an accessory, like a fridge magnet. It justifies the money spent in the eyes of their poorer friends, who can?t afford health insurance and remain home, horrified they might break a leg on the way to the airport.

The first thing most Americans do after they land on the Old Continent is to say something unwittingly outrageous while they hug you so hard you can hear your bones crack. Like,?Oh! Em! Gee! I saw an awesome castle from the plane! Those Romans were sooo barbarian!

We forgive their insolence because Americans are nice people. Really nice people. Their naivety makes their faces shine with genuine amazement. It?s a feeling we last experienced when we heard a crowd of stinky Parisians killed the French king (even though we knew he kind of asked for it). And?this is hard to admit?the blistering optimism with which Americans assault everyone reminds us how unnecessarily cynical we?ve gotten due to our obsession with history.

Last and least, we?re smart enough to know that when push comes to shove, most of us?can?t make a difference between North Dakota and South Carolina. Nobody?s perfect.

Well, almost nobody. This summer, a new type of American landed on our shores. His arrival was a planned one, like D-Day, and we had seen him come around before, like D-Day.

Unlike D-Day, the events rolled out in a sort of nightmarish time warp. Thanks to the miracle of the Internet (or?as the Germans call it,?the digital future), his outrageous remarks arrived before he landed. Without a bone-cracking hug, stupidity is hard to swallow. He told us we weren?t paying our NATO bills, to which we objected that money is not the only type of currency?an idea that Americans find hard to digest, especially when they are abroad. Then he criticized us we were too reliant on Russia, at which we couldn?t help but laugh hysterically, because well, you know?

And finally, he crossed all lines by walking in front of the Queen, which even the most passionate European republicans found offensive enough to warrant a Twitter rant, condemning the blatant disregard for basic norms, like the concept of privilege by birth and all the free cake that comes with it.

When The Donald left, we felt relieved, but confused. Until now, despite the rise of a few bloodthirsty African dictators, we thought decolonization was a necessary karma-cleansing process. Now some of us openly regret the USA is not a crown dependency anymore. Perhaps we should invade again to set the house in order. Just picture Angela Merkel?with a banner?Mission Accomplished.

Yanko Tsvetkov

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