Transcribed exactly as spoken: For immediate release

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Statement of the Prime Minister; the Honourable Jacinda Kate Laurell and Hardy Ardern on falsehoods.

Transcribed, exactly as spoken, by her loyal staff. For immediate release:


Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern winking gif


Uhm. look, I dunno.

People are being mean.

I did not, uhm, ah, lie to the public yesderday.

It was not the public, it was a man, it was just one bloke, uhm, and it was not a lie; he possidively said, my staff transcibed it, ‘are you gunna fire her’ and my answer was of course ‘no’. I saw the transcript, that’s what it, that’s what I said.

That’s what it said I said. That’s what they told me to say, and, keep in mind that I am a bacholeress of poliddical communications, so I am very precise.

A pedant has claimed the transcript released to the media was doctored and, well, that’s just mean.

My staff, my staff who I have tremendous respect for, who work under huge pressure had a bad day, a human frailty day, and bearing in mind there’s only a liddle over two hundred of them and it was, um, ah, well over twenny seconds of audio they had to plough through, well, I think you can see how, uhm, such a mistake was made under such intense scrutiny.

They, ah, they are human beings.

So, clearly there was, ah, a mis-transcription, and I, we, accept that Mr Lynch said “Have you considered, have you considered as Prime Minister, cutting ties with Clare Curran because some would suggest she’s becoming a liability to your government”, and his next question “Are you considering cutting ties with her, though? Firing her?” to which I clearly, very clearly, replied?”Ah, no.”

Any fair person will agree I distinctly answered Lynch’s two-part question with a two-part answer; as to the question of whether I was considering cudding ties with Clare my answer was “Ah” which means ‘possibly’ but ‘with no great certainty’, and to the part about firing her my answer was “no”, because she had already resigned.

So, ah, no, there was no fib, I would never lie, never. I hope this clears that up. Ka kite. Ah, no.

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