Comedy corner: Non-PC jokes guaranteed to offend

Welcome to politically incorrect Comedy corner: the one place on Whaleoil where you are allowed to read and share naughty and offensive jokes that make us all laugh even though we are not supposed to. If you are offended by these kinds of jokes then please do not read this post.

As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree, he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”

I said, “No, you sick pervert, I’m putting it up in the living room.”

He laid her on the table.

So white clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat.

He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast.

And then drooling felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,

He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide…

He looked inside.

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms…

And then he stuffed the turkey

Bill woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm’s Christmas Party.

He didn’t even remember how he got home. Confused he tried to gather his thoughts, “It’s 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. The wife must have gone to work.”

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his heart sank as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy; there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene.

He stumbled to the bathroom, which was also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye.

This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife. “I’ll ring your office and tell them you won’t be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There’s sport on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn’t hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Alison. xxx”

Bill stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper.

His teenage son was sitting at the table, eating. Bill, bracing himself for the worst, asked his son what happened the previous night.

His son said, “Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway. You got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Bill was confused as he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mom and breakfast waiting for me?”

His son replied, “Oh, that! Well you see, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone you slapper, I’m married!!'”

One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress.

He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, it was nearly time to leave and his sleigh wasn’t loaded, and the elves were talking about going on strike. Then an angel walked into his office and asked, “Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?”

And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.

Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas?

Because he was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?

Their balls are just ornamental.