Happy holidays

*Satire.


The proposed update to “Happy holidays”

The Office of Ethnic Communities is a section of the Department of Internal Affairs. On 21st December it sent out a ?Happy holidays? greeting to its clients. It is good to see a government body leading the way in social justice, avoiding mention of the mythical figure behind the December celebration.

The Happy holidays event is, of course, a momentous occasion for two groups, children and retailers. Retailers understand very well what it is all about, making money, but most children will not. A brain-washed few will have the myth implanted by their abusive parents but most will have no idea because ?Happy holidays? is absolutely imprecise.

An authoritative consultancy, members of which prefer to remain nameless, is proposing that New Zealand take the initiative and lead the way globally by renaming the Happy holidays occasion Sanamas. This has the effect of associating Happy holiday with jolly old Parent Claus, the driving force behind the December spendthriftery. ?Santamas? was originally suggested but the committee advised dropping the ?t? to avoid the unfortunate translation of the Spanish word ?santa?.

Sanamas also has hygienic implications, very relevant at times like these when the age of females and transpeople reaching puberty is going down and maturity going up.

If this proposal is to be adopted, the move to Sanamas or similar, it is a matter of some urgency. It needs to be addressed while we are blessed (if we can use that word) with a Labour government. We cannot be sure that New Zealand will retain hold of the government workers are entitled to. Even after the triumphal and ongoing successes of this Labour government the perversities of the electoral process could leave us beset with a National government in 2020.

That would have dire implications for the renaming of Happy holidays. In fact, the reverse could happen and we could be driven back to the name which makes mention of the mythical figure (the c-word). There have been National Party prime ministers in the past, the not too distant past in fact, who have subscribed to the beliefs of a middle-eastern cult not far removed from that of the murderous, racist and colonialist regime currently invading Palestine and killing freedom fighters.

For quite a long time this cult, numbering no more than a billion or so worldwide, co-opted the traditional Happy holiday event to itself. The danger is that, with a National Party government in power that could well happen again. How so? Because Simon Bridges is a member of the aforementioned middle-eastern cult.

The country could find itself with ?a Bridges too far,? as the soon-to-be Sir Jacinda (PBUH) might say, and probably will now I have drawn it to her attention. We should explain that our committee refuses to feminise and thereby degrade the titles appertaining to public office.

22%
×