Shaken not stirred

Newshub ?reports on the story of the decade. Research done by the University of Otago has come up with this stunning conclusion. As reported?in the?Medical Journal of Australia, normally a serious journal (but this was in its Christmas issue), James Bond has a drinking problem. quote.

James Bond has a serious drinking problem, according to new research done right here in New Zealand.

Scientists with arguably the best job in the world watched 24 Bond films, from 1962’s?Dr No?to 2015’s?Spectre, logging just how much the British spy drank and what he did while under the influence.

They found not only was Bond ready to drink anything – shaken or stirred – he often takes part in dangerous activities while still under the influence.

“Chronic risks include frequently drinking prior to fights, driving vehicles (including in chases), high-stakes gambling, operating complex machinery or devices, contact with dangerous animals, extreme athletic performance and sex with enemies, sometimes with guns or knives in the bed,” said lead author Professor Nick Wilson, from the University of Otago. end quote.

Erm… where to begin with this?

What exactly is the University of Otago doing researching the drinking habits of a fictional character? Surely you jest.?quote.

Deadly animals Bond fought immediately after drinking alcohol include snakes, tarantulas and even a komodo dragon.

“On [one] occasion, after drinking at lunch he chased May Day up the Eiffel Tower, jumped on top of a high speed lift, drove a stolen taxi recklessly on footpaths and through the streets of Paris… then jumped about 10 metres from a bridge and through the roof of a barge,” the study notes. end quote.

Here is a clue, Professor. Bond isn’t real. That is how he can do all these things when he is half cut.

Bond is a hero. He fights enemies on the top of moving trains, jumps onto high-speed lifts or gets thrown into the air in high-speed car chases. It has taken over 20 movies for there to be even a hint that his body is not coping with it all.

Yet the University of Otago thinks his biggest problem is his alcohol consumption?

People were big drinkers in the 1960s, probably more so than now. Drinking cocktails is all part of his sophisticated image, and we all love him dressed up in a tuxedo. He is the ultimate hero without a cape… although he could really use one sometimes. It could double as a parachute.

James Bond isn’t exactly Shakespeare though, and even with his 50 or so years of history, the books hardly count as great literature. They are classic 1960s escapism. We could all do with a bit more of that sort of thing right now.

Exactly why the University of Otago saw fit to commission research on Bond’s drinking habits, I am not sure. Maybe they are trying to send their own students a message? Maybe it’s the Christmas spirit? Or maybe it really is is just another piece of lecturing to the masses by those who know how to do it best of all.

What will they come up with next? Was Harry Potter really trans? Did Frodo have commitment issues?

Anyway, I think we should allow James Bond to drink as much as he likes. He should be dead many times over. Thankfully though, he is not. He may be shaken but he is not yet stirred.