Comedy corner: Non-PC jokes guaranteed to offend

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Advice

Welcome to politically incorrect Comedy corner: the one place on Whaleoil where you are allowed to read and share naughty and offensive jokes that make us all laugh even though we are not supposed to. If you are offended by these kinds of jokes then please do not read this post.
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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.


Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you ‘ re not there.“”Did you dance much ?”

“I ‘ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you ‘ re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to…”

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:
“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day the grandfather died?!

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma”
The next day the grandmother died?
“Holy Moly,” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
“God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.”

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