Muslim man wants toilet paper banned: Well the insulting one at least

Please don’t wipe with Aloe imprints, it’s insulting to Islam!

I always say that life is too short to drink bad coffee or use cheap toilet paper. Having a supply of lovely soft, three ply, well embossed loo roll around the house is an absolute must. There is nothing worse than that hideous plain, scratchy stuff that seems to be all that is ever available in public conveniences or at my cheap-arsed friend’s workplace.

The embossing is there for a reason of course, to make it softer, and dare I say it, more absorbent. If the embossed pattern on it relates in some way to some other characteristic of the product, say for instance it looks like an aloe leaf on the rolls that have a hint of soothing aloe in them, then that just makes everything seem right with the world when I’m spending time in the smallest room in the house.

But no, not for the Muslim activist Musa Ahmed from the great Islamic nation of England. Poor Musa is one of those queer eyed guys who seems to find offence everywhere he looks, and this time he can clearly see that Marks and Spencer have deliberately placed embossing on their budget bog roll that looks exactly like the spelling of their god, you know, the one whose prophet you’re not allowed to draw pictures of.

Clearly, a petition was needed. Because if there’s one thing that we infidels need to know, it’s that Mohammed hates people wiping their bums with his God’s name. So there is nothing else to do: the offending paper must be immediately withdrawn from sale, and while we’re at it, we must all stop buying anything from M&S because they are Islamophobic, racist and generally nasty Israel-terrorist supporters because their long dead co-owner Simon Marks was Jewish.

The funny thing is that nearly 5000 people have signed this most important petition so far, so it just goes to show that there are some incredibly low IQ people running around with access to the internet. The ‘reasons for signing’ are pretty humorous to be fair.

Screenshot about stupid people. Change.org

I understand Afshan Mahjabeen will be heading off to his English as a Second Language class just as soon as they can find a bus that doesn’t have tail lights that remind him of his creator, possibly.

As this must be a very large problem, I thought that we Oilers need to do everything we can to assist. I have managed to locate the name of the (allegedly) only true God in a number of items around my house which I shall share with you below. Clearly there has been a conspiracy by all these retailers over the years to belittle our Muslim friends and it must be stamped out.

I think you’ll all agree that if you read this dog food can sideways, it clearly shows the name of the big guy. Please boycott this brand!

This can from my fridge is part of the plot clearly. Please only drink other brands of cola.

Perhaps most insidious of all is ‘Cheeky Charlie’, the 4 Square man. A clearer representation you will not need! Just look at his hand, not only is he showing a known white power symbol, but his fingers clearly spell out the name of He Who Must Be Obeyed and let’s not even get started on the white privileged smirk on his pasty face! (Actually I’m pretty sure his hair says Allah too).

So please Oilers, we need to stamp out this hideous practice of sneaking the name of the holiest of holy Gods into our everyday products.

We need your help. Please feel free to post in the comments section your own photos of products that breach these sacred rules. Once we have a decent selection of these evil racist Islamophobic products, we will send a link to this post to our poor friend Musa so they can all be included in his next petition.

Praise be to Allan, peace be upon him.

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