A game called ‘Let’s pretend’

Remember how when you were a kid you could ?pretend? to be a doctor or a nurse? Well, now you can pretend to be a scientist in real life. Imagine being able to be introduced as a ?scientist.? That sounds so much better than a call centre support officer doesn?t it?

Since the invention of ?Climate Science,? you now have the opportunity to pretend to be a scientist without having all those annoying constraints that real scientists have. Most real scientists go through their lives having to do boring stuff like proving ?scientifically? that a theory is right. This can take months of hard work researching and refining your theories only to have the evidence prove your theory wrong. For every glorious discovery by a Curie there are thousands of failures. Imagine never having to show you were wrong. A world where you decide beforehand what the results will be and then massage your findings to fit them. Wouldn?t that be wonderful ?

Welcome to the glorious world of ?Climate Science?. The career opportunities are enormous. The talented workers in this field ensured its future as soon as they invented the phrase ?Climate Science?. Well meaning journalists soon discovered that reporting doom laden forecasts about the future of the world sold lots of newspapers. CSers, (we?ll call them that from now on), employed the world of Computer Science to generate ever more complex computer models to forecast the inevitable Armageddon facing mankind. Being an arcane Science in its own right there were few who would doubt or question the veracity of the computer forecasts. Politicians pricked up their ears and realised they had been presented with a unique vote catching opportunity. In concert with academia, governments flocked to provide funding to newly created Climatology departments.

As the results of the research came in and the prospect of Armageddon receded even further CSers were faced with a conundrum, whether to come clean and reveal they were wrong, or adjust the figures to match more closely what they knew in their hearts should be the result.

Initially, the figures were adjusted but then the shortcomings became so obvious they could no longer do that. The CSers held their breath and lo and behold it didn?t matter. They had generated so much hysteria that people were no longer concerned if the figures were patently wrong. They needed to do a bit of adjustment to make sure that their computer models were still in people?s minds in case they thought the CSers were inventing them but that was all.

Secure in their sinecured academic positions the CSers emboldened themselves. International conferences were established to provide CSers and their followers with opportunities to visit glamorous locations all funded by sympathetic governments and from then on, Climate Science became an industry. With powerful connections any dissenters could be derided and silenced. Many real scientists were cast into the abyss of unemployment with besmirched characters. Governments found that the populace were happy to be led to believe whatever the CSers decreed.

Unfortunately, some of the politicians did not realise that Climate Science was an invention and started to treat it as real science. Much like Scientology and other philosophies that do not stand examination, Climate Science contains a number of commitments that the adherents must accept. These include a mantra to reduce Carbon Dioxide and to reduce the use of Fossil Fuels.

One of the countries who adopted this mantra in blissful ignorance was New Zealand. A na?ve and inexperienced government decreed an end to Fossil Fuel exploration which led to a panic in the exploration industry. As no research had been done beforehand the government were unaware that they had previously cancelled most of the projects that could provide alternative energy sources such as hydro power. Eventually there will be a day of reckoning but that seems to be well in the future.

So in the meantime make Climate Science a career! You will never have to do any research that you have to prove. When you publish papers they will be peer-reviewed by fellow CSers so you will never have to worry about the accuracy of results.

You will get to play with really powerful computers. Forget that gaming PC you can now use the power of supercomputers to calculate your models.
You will get to invent new words such as ?anthropomorphic?. This sounds so much better than ?man made change? doesn?t it? A mysterious term always makes your discipline sound so much more arcane and challenging.

As you progress you may have to invent new terms to explain what you do. At one time you would have used the term ?Global Warming? but when warming didn?t take place CSers invented the term ?Climate Change?. That covers any eventuality even if the climate cools down.

You will get to attend serious conferences with seriously good social events all at no personal cost. You will get the respect and kudos of the populace. In a previous age you would have been a priest. Once religion used to be viewed similarly to Climate Science. Your job is guaranteed for life. No academic institution would dare force you out providing that you toe the Climate Science line. Government funding is assured.

So what are you waiting for? The ever-expanding range of courses available ensures you can work almost anywhere in the world, provided they have an enlightened government of Climate Science believers.