The end is nigh (again)

Guest Post
Rogers Rabbits

I really hope you can read fast. Because the End of the World is coming and I?d hate you to be half way through a Rabbits column when suddenly, whammo. The world ends, in a chaotic maelstrom of chaos and maelstrom.

I have no idea exactly what maelstrom is, but it probably goes well with garlic and a wee glass of chardonnay. I must look it up in Rogers? Thesaurus.

Anyway, back to our untimely demise. NASA, the people who successfully convinced us that they put a man on the moon and a probe on Mars, and faked Sarah Palin?s intelligence, have digressed from their usual rocket and space stuff, and come up with a study that concludes that civilisation is heading for a nasty catastrophe.

We?re all doomed

Why an organisation that we all know as a space agency would consider it necessary to stray from making big whooshing rockets and suddenly get all whimsical and doomsday-ish, is anyone?s guess. But they have put a lot of effort into a study, only to find out we?re all screwed, basically.

I won?t bore you with the details, mainly because a mathematician was involved and anything involving maths, beyond working out how much parking time a dollar will get me in Grey St, is mind-numbingly uninteresting. I?ve been known to fall asleep in the build-up to Play School*, after only reaching the window count of two.

Resources gobbled

But suffice to say, the NASA picture is not flash. It basically says that the elite of the world will suck up all the resources (presumably, including all the Double Happy sausage rolls from Bethlehem Bakery) and the ?masses? will go without.

Using theoretical models to predict what will happen to the industrialised world during the course of the next century or so, mathematicians found that even with conservative estimates things started to go very badly, very quickly. And that?s not even counting a disappointing outcome of NZ?s ?Masterchef?.

They?ve studied other great civilisations including the Romans, Han and Gupta empires and concluded that they all came unstuck in spectacular fashion. Personally, I blame the sandals. Could it be that as soon as a civilisation invents sensible shoes, all hell breaks loose? Should we read anything into the growing success of Crocs?

Why we need a mathematician to decide these things is completely beyond my simple grasp of what makes the world go round.

This maths dude, Safa Motesharri, explored the factors which could lead to the collapse of civilisation, from population growth to climate change, and found that when these converge they can cause society to break down because of the ?stretching of resources? and ?the economic stratification of society into Elites and Masses?.

Maths is the answer

I?ve another answer for the threat. All of those so-called civilisations had smart ass mathematicians. That?s the common denominator in this puzzle.

Put all of the mathematicians on the next space probe to Mars, or maybe for a dinner party in Alaska with Sarah, and the problem is solved.

Easy. When it comes to mathematical dilemmas, you can count on Rogers.

Complete nonsense

Hard to believe that people can trot out this end-of-civilisation garbage. Trust me, it is complete nonsense. Civilisation isn?t perfect, but it?s not the end of the world.

The timing of this load of bull couldn’t be worse. In the same week the United Nations declared Thursday the International Day of Happiness. How were we meant to be happy on Thursday when we were told on Monday that civilisation was going to self-destruct?

And are any of you still happy today? Did you not know that Thursday was your allocated Happy Day and if you are still happy going into the weekend, you are in breach of UN policy, and could be censured for being joyful out of season.

Hey, you?ve got [Whaleoil], what could possibly make you happier!

And a bonus, it looks like you made it through to the finish of this column, before the world ended.

*Here?s a house. Here?s a door. Windows, one, two, three, snore.

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