Dear Climate…

Image:OMICS International

Dear Climate

So, how are you feeling?

I thought it was time someone asked, given the constant abuse you receive these days.

Remember when all this started, decades ago now? When we humans first started questioning your ability to do your job, at least we blamed ourselves. We had the decency to call our concerns Anthropogenic Global Warming. In other words, we were blaming ourselves for upsetting you and throwing you off your game.

A while ago the scientists and various other concerned citizens realised that all their doomsday predictions about you weren’t coming to fruition, so they rebranded. (It’s a human thing we do when we want to raise money).  We now call our lack of faith in you Climate Change. That must really burn your undies.

I mean, has anyone asked you about how you feel about changing? How do you identify? Do you even want to change?

Now, I have read a little bit of history. Not to “scientist” level of course, I’m just a bog-standard ignorant citizen, but from what I have read, you seem to like this whole ‘change’ thing, as you have been up and down and all over the place since, well, forever.

You like it hot, you like it cold. You seem to be a well rounded individual capable of balancing your activities. You seem to know what the Earth needs from you and you go about making it happen. Of course, you have to balance your activities, giving the Earth a good old clean up when it’s necessary.

The mere existence of us pesky humans, especially now that we have all this new-fangled technology, as well as your usual protagonists like earthquake, volcano and those occasional visitors from space, probably mean you have to work a bit harder at the moment, but history (that cool stuff I read about), shows you always come right, in your own time.

So Climate, carry on. I trust you. I’m sorry about the accusatory name calling and for possibly making you feel like you just don’t know yourself anymore. Keep up the hard work. Thanks for not making the sea levels rise 20 metres over the past two decades like they said you would and for not melting all that pretty ice.

All the best, your biggest fan,

(name redacted for protection from the nutjobs)


Dear name redacted for protection from nutjobs,

I don’t know who you are but I really appreciate you reaching out and asking how I am feeling. I was starting to think that no one cared.

In all honesty, I am sick and tired of it. For millennia I have been working my butt off to keep the Earth in some kind of balance. Just when I had it under control, He goes and sends a bloody big rock flying through space to collide with Earth. Sometimes I think he does it just to screw things up and make me work harder. Do you have any idea how long it takes to get the balance right after being hit by a space rock? I didn’t think so.

Then there are all the design flaws (don’t tell him I said that); the earthquakes, the volcanoes. Some days I just want a lie in, but no, I must be on call to start the clean up after his planet has its little hissy fits. I mean, do you know how long it takes to clean up after a massive volcanic explosion? I didn’t think so.

Then along came those humans you refer to. Man, what a disaster. Not only do they pollute the hell out of their own home, they expect me to clean it up! Like, now. Then they have the audacity to think that they can control me, or worse, that I can’t do my job! Less of this, more of that, give climate a break, he can’t cope…. Give me a break? I have been cleaning this place up since day 1 and you lot think I choke up on some minor gas irritation? The cheek. I mean, OK, so it took me a while to clean up after that really big space rock hit a few million years ago and some animals died out, but I work at my own pace and it’s not my fault they were unable to adapt.

Do you know how long it takes and how hard it is to bring balance back after a space rock hits you at 20, 000 km per hour? I didn’t think so.

And as for the identity crisis I am meant to be having, forget about it. I know what I am and I know my purpose. Like I was ever going to drown you lot, although it is really tempting sometimes. No, I will continue to do my job and it may not happen in your puny measurements of years, but I will keep the balance or if I have a bad day (centuries in your time), I will clean up afterwards, as I have always done.

I am Climate, and I love change. You humans might not and if that’s the case, naff off.

Regards

Climate.

PS: Thanks for asking though, I really do appreciate it.

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