Spoonful of political advice

By Brian Rogers

Dear Auntie Roger
I’ve got myself in a spot of bother. I promised to build a thousand houses but so far there’s only 80 and I think most of them were in the pipeline before I even started. Meanwhile, the private sector builders have knocked up 45,000 houses in the same time. Do you think anyone will notice? Have we any hope of getting 100,000 in ten years? 
– Phil the Promiser

Dear Phil, the private sector is only 44,920 houses ahead of you.  Pull up your socks and get cracking, you’ll make it up in no time! Anyway, the public are probably too busy fuming over the other broken promises, you know, the ones about no more taxes, more police, capital gains tax, solving the homeless crisis, getting more teachers and keeping happy those who are still teaching; plummeting business confidence, ten thousand Kiwis leaving the country in the last year; wasting money in prisons; inaction on drug drivers; doctors striking… What could possibly go wrong next?
– Auntie

Dear Auntie Roger
All the adults have gone away for the weekend, Aunt Cindy is overseas, Big brother Grant is AWOL, Uncle Winston is goodness knows where, and it looks like I’m left in charge. What do I do?
– Kelvin, Home Alone

Dear Kelvin, I know it seems scary being left all alone in charge of a country when all the mature people are unavailable, but you’re just going to have to pull up your Big Boy Pants and at least look like you’re taking charge. Just don’t touch anything. Or say anything. Leave all the switches alone. Don’t listen to strangers or the little voices in your head. Don’t buy any more slushies.  You can always ring Auntie Helen for some advice, she’s always willing to help, whether you want it or not. Just don’t say how long you spent in the shower, she’s a bit odd about those things. At least it will make a great sequel: Home Alone, The House of Reprehensibles.
– Auntie Roger

Dear Auntie Roger
I think a change of career is in order. That Race Relations stint didn’t really work out that well for me, and I don’t really want to do real work, just tell other people what to do. Something that doesn’t require any real talent or PR skills, but I can use my fame and abilities, which are: being bossy and important while achieving diddly squat. Any ideas?
– Susan

Dear Susan, Well if you’re thinking about being mayor, you may find you’ll need a lot of people to like you, so that might need a rethink. I mean, you’ve such a great reputation.
Except for maybe that time you tried to use the powers and resources of your public appointed position to squash the region’s most loved local community newspaper. Oh, well, that’s water under the bridge. We’re pretty well off for mayoral candidates around here. And some of them are good ones. You probably should stick with the cushy political appointments, although the Nats aren’t in power and even if they were, unlikely to fall for it again. Maybe a mayoralty is an option, but perhaps try Invercargill. I hear they’re up for change and ready for just about anyone.
– Auntie Roger Xxx

Deer Auntey Roger
I tryed to be gud in skool and like got dat Fees Free sceeme and all dat but no bodys vary intrested and nasty peepl like Nashnill are taking da piss and scorring me F for Fail.
Not my fult dat 2400 two few stoodants done it meanwhile we dunnt hav enuf dollars allercated for paying teechers, man they gready buggers eh?
– Chris.

Dear Chris, you just never learn. You’re a bad, bad boy. Now give all that money back. And spend more on the teachers. Then stand in the corner till the bell goes.
– Auntie Roger

Dear Auntie Roger
How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?
– Joker

Dear Joker, Lightbulbs? We can’t afford to have the lights on in schools!
– Auntie

Dear Auntie Roger
My mates and I have a dilemma after the election. Nigel voted for National, but isn’t happy because despite that party getting the most votes, it’s not in power. Larry voted to get Labour in, but isn’t happy because Winston and the Greens are watering down the issues that he thought Labour was going to sort. Frank voted for NZ First but he’s not happy because Labour is scotching most of the policies he wanted to see, including a cap on refugees. Greg voted Green but he’s upset because there’s been no improvement in any environmental issues.
– Confused, Brookfield

Dear Confused, did you and your mates also vote for MMP? If so, you’ve only yourselves to blame.
– Auntie Roger

Dear Auntie Roger
I don’t drink much during the day yet I keep reading about the importance of hydrating. Should I be worried?
– Sipper, Brookfield

Dear Sipper
The good thing about tea is you can drink it at work. The good thing about Jack Daniels is it looks just like tea.
– Auntie