A secret meeting of the inner caucus of a political party in NZ

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Satire

By Aspie 101

Your intrepid eye-witness was not actually in attendance at this meeting, but with technology assisting, was able to view and hear the proceedings. A large faction of an unnamed party, which for the sake of convenience we will randomly call The Notional Party, held a secret late-night meeting.

The scene was the party’s caucus room. The chairman of the meeting was the Rt. Hon. Solomon Ridges. The chairman opened the meeting.

“Well, good evening people, and it’s great to see that we have most of our NINO faction here tonight. Ninety percent of the caucus, I believe, so we’re progressing well in our endeavours to be indistinguishable from the present government. I had thought of having the meeting opened with an Imam praying an Islamic prayer, in order to emulate the Princess, as that went down pretty well with most of us in The Swamp, I feel. But I decided to be a bit different, and therefore I have asked a representative of the AAA or Atheists Association of Aotearoa,  to open in a prayer to nobody and nothing.”

The representative having been called into the meeting and dismissed after completing this inspiring prayer, Mr Ridges continued.

“This extra-extraordinary meeting has been called in response to a memo from Hwmbo George.

[He who must be obeyed-Ed]  Before I read this memo however, I want to say welcome to our latest recruit to The Swamp, as we affectionately call it. Quite a coup (can I use that word?) for us, and it’s great to welcome you here as a fully fledged member Judith. Let’s give her a good swampy welcome.”

A chorus of croaks, ribbits, mosquito-like whining, and other noises that one might hear in a swamp rang out, as part of the welcoming ritual.

“Excellent,” continued the chairfellow. “Judith has recently demonstrated convincingly that deep down, her thinking is aligned to our aim of giving the voters no point of difference with the government by the time of the next election. Well done Judith. You will need, however, to lay off Frill Tryfraud from now on, as you’re in danger of forcing him to resign, and we wouldn’t want that, would we?” He looked sternly at Judith who for a brief instant looked as though she was about to leap forward and strangle Mr Ridges, but managed to subdue the not unnatural instinct, and instead gave him a “you’ll keep” look.

“Well, now to the reason for this meeting,” continued the Chairbloke. “As I said, I’ve had a memo from Hwmbo George in New York, and, actually, to be frank, he’s not really very happy just at the moment. You know there’ve been a few setbacks for him, I mean us, lately, such as the Trump thing, the people in Australia ignoring the polls, and Theresa May in the UK. The Brexit Party’s success, and other EU election results have made him rather more irritable and impatient than usual, which I would have said was impossible a few days ago. If Britain does actually leave the EU the shock may be fatal for him.”

A few of the less dedicated Swamp members allowed a flicker of hope to cross their faces for a brief second, accompanied by a hopeful shuffling of feet.

“This, of course, would be a tremendous blow to the Globalist cause,” continued the Chairchap firmly. A rumble of assent with a couple of ribbits thrown in was the response. “I’ll now quote from the relevant part of Hwmbo’s memo. ‘While I’m very happy with your party’s falling in line with the anti-gun legislation, thus moving even closer to the aim of parliamentary homogeny, there is still some way to go. The time to stop pretending to be different from the current government has arrived. By the time of the next election, if there is one, the voters must be totally confused and realise that there is no real choice at all. In short, all policies must be formulated to bring the same result as the government’s current policies. And although you have largely made an excellent job of being soft on the government, aided by that excellent Mr Dullard, all last traces of competence in the opposition must be eradicated.’”

The chaircodger looked up. “There’s more, but that’s the guts. You know what to do. The last few holdouts in the caucus must be enticed to join The Swamp. All traces of competence must cease. Not hard for most of us, but some might struggle with that. Any comments?”

A rather well-fed individual, who had a legendary hatred of salad and a love of a hearty feed of steak, eggs, chips and bacon (and that just for morning tea), spoke up. “Mr Chairman, how can we attack the government if there is absolutely no difference in our end aims? If that is the case, what does it matter if we actually accidentally win the election?”

“Well, of course, we don’t actually attack the government. I’m trying my hardest to ensure that we lose the election, and I’m pretty proud of my efforts towards that end, to be honest,” replied the chairbloke. “There will be no attacks on the government on my watch.”

“But what do we do about David Seemore,” persisted the resident Cetacean “There’s a danger that people will turn to his party if he is the only dissenting voice in parliament. And what about Eriot Ukulele? Maybe many people will turn to his party if we are too easy on our government comrades?”

“Hwmbo has spoken,” said Mr Ridges. “Anyone who disagrees runs the risk of being Clintonned. Just think about that. Suicide by shooting yourself several times in the back is not a prospect to embrace with enthusiasm. I declare the meeting closed.”

He strode from the room, leaving the other swampdwellers uneasily ribbitting, whining and croaking amongst themselves.

Your intrepid eye-witness, deep in thought as usual, slipped off his headphones and headed home, keeping an eye out for the Kindness Police as he went.

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