Leaked memo on proposed hate crime legislation

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Warning

This leaked memo is a work of fiction and is satirical.

The following was found in the men’s restroom of a Wellington Massage Parlour by a lady…of my acquaintance.


TOP SECRET MEMO
FOR GREEN PARTY MEMBERS ONLY.
TOPICS: HATE CRIME PROPOSALS AND HOW TO GET GLUTEN-FREE VEGAN SOY-SUBSTITUTE SAUSAGE ROLLS SERVED IN BELLAMYS


Ki Ora, Talofa, Namaste, Ni-hao, Salaam Alaikum and Helloooooo! (the recently adopted official greeting of our gay brothers and sisters.
The Green Party leadership is issuing this memo to confirm the matters discussed at our recent meeting.

First our apologies for the grim tone of the presentation on climate change entitled, ‘We are all totally F*%#ED’. A reminder to all members that we must not become too disheartened by the impending destruction of mother earth by evil mankind (not women-kind or trans-kind, they aren’t responsible). We have therefore postponed the mass protest suicides planned for the steps of parliament. They will now take place next year concurrent with the re-election of Donald Trump, weather permitting.


Concrete proposals to fight climate change were adopted:

  1. The Spokesperson for Energy and Resources will halve his classic car collection.
  2. All cow anuses will be fitted with catalytic converters.
  3. The Minister for Climate Change will begin a nationwide campaign to conserve electricity by encouraging people to make love with the lights off.
    Special thanks to the minister’s wife for suggesting the idea.
    The need for Hate Crime Legislation was discussed due to the devastating, unprovoked and outrageous attacks on our comrade, Golriz Ghahraman. And that Christchurch thing.
    Members agreed to draft a bill:
  • Guaranteeing vulnerable minorities like Maori, Muslims, LGBTQAFs and highly paid human rights lawyers protection from nasty comments by anonymous losers on the internet.
  • Acknowledging Women are just as strong and capable as men by giving them extra special legal protection from having their feelings hurt when discussing things on the internet.
  • Defending trans-rights by classing trans-women as women, unless they were born women and transitioning to men, or still identify as men because they like the way they look in a pair of Stubbies and trans-men as men unless they can’t lift 60kg and pee standing up.
  • Non-binary people will be protected by allowing them to choose their own name, age and period of history they would most like to live in. If members are confused, please see the 32-page document and special diagram drawn up by the spokesperson for Rainbow Issues.

Penalties suggested for transgressing the above included three hours in a room alone with the Minister for Climate Change listening to him speak on climate change or having the job of fixing the catalytic converters to the cows.
Members also agreed that Police time and resources should be reprioritized as follows.

  1. People being mean to people on the internet
  2. Practicing their dance steps on the police float for next year’s Hero parade.
  3. Murder, rape, burglary etc.

The spokesperson for youth affairs wished to remind everyone that love always triumphs over hate. Unless hate has better weapons and snazzier uniforms. Like the Nazis or the Empire in the first part of Star Wars, yeah the Empire really kicked ass, did anyone see The Last Jedi? I did but I didn’t really get the ending, was Luke like a ghost or what?
She then pulled up her hoody and went to sleep in the corner.

The leadership thank her for providing the meeting with her homemade chocolate brownies.
We’re still working on the sausage thing but there is a five-hour meeting planned next week to really hash it out.


Thanks, comrades.
THE GREEN LEADERSHIP

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