Good Morning; I’m From Stuff, and I’m Here to Help

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Satire

I’m here to help you right-wing, nut-job, conspiracy-theory, alternative-fact, tin-hat wearing deplorables because, believe me, you need it.

We at Stuff, the saviours of the entire huperson race, have declared a Climate Emergency and you people don’t appear to be taking it seriously, at all. Shame on you. Now, thanks to you fossil-fuel fan-girls and boys the ARCTIC IS ON FIRE!!! Did you hear me? THE ICE is ON FIRE!!! All thanks to you and your global warming.

See what you’ve done, are you happy now?

Ha! “It’s the opposite of hell freezing over”. When are you folks going to grow up, accept some culpability for this overheated planet, and take some responsibility? For heaven’s sake, get with our noble cause before it’s too late!

What’s that, I hear you say? ‘Fires in the Arctic Circle forests are not at all unusual.’ Well; that’s true, but we clearly state that fact in the body of the story so it’s only the headline that’s entirely misleading…we stand by the article.

Next? ‘It’s not a satellite image’? Well, the article says it’s a satellite image, yes, but, okay – it’s not, fair point. It’s not a satellite image; it’s representative, it’s to invoke a reaction from simpletons that refuse to follow our superior moral imperatives for whatever reason [snort].

What’s that? ‘There’s no smoke, it’s cloud, there is no fire’…oh, oops – see reasons above.

Next?… It’s not recent, the photo is thirty-seven years old, and it’s doctored…it’s a crop from an image depicting an oil tanker being loaded’. No, no, I assure you, we would never use a picture of anything oily unless of an Albatross, dyed and sad-faced. You have proof?…

Oh dear [sigh]! Okay, that’s it, I can only take one more criticism of our wonderful story…you, sir; what would you like to point out?

Oh…! Valdez, Alaska, is not even in the Arctic Circle? Are you kidding me?…No, you’re not; ‘It’s nearly 500 kilometres below it’…Uhm, well…that’s the latitude quality journalism allows us, that’s all I want to say. So, ok, ok:

  • There is no fire depicted, and in any case, fires would not be unusual,
  • It’s not a satellite image,
  • It’s not recent – It’s older than most of your children,
  • The photo is doctored,
  • It’s not the Arctic, and
  • The whole, sad, sorry effort at ‘journalism’ is misleading.

But, apart from that, do you fossil-fools believe us now? Like we said at the outset: It’s a crisis, a real Climate Imagineracy. Please take us much more seriously going forward.

(Stuff may tell the truth when hell freezes over, but in the meantime – not so much.)

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