Government Announces New BuyBack Scheme

Information

Satire

Legislation has been rushed through the house as a result of the horrific incident in Upper Hutt over the weekend. A new road roller (or steamroller as the media affectionately calls them) register will be established.

The roller buy-back scheme will be targeted at semi-automatic, self-propelled machines and towed rollers will be exempted.

An example of an exempt, towed roller

It is currently unknown how many New Zealanders hold a road roller licence and police are trusting Kiwis to be honest and roll up to their local police station to be signed on to the road roller register.

Police will be especially vigilant for any road roller owners or users who have tattoos or shaven heads and will be monitoring the social media pages of owners and drivers of rollers. Facebook groups aimed at roller enthusiasts will be closely monitored.

Prime Minister Ardern, questioned just before her current holiday, said that one of the attractions of holidaying in Tokelau is that there are no road rollers on the island.

She said that while relaxing over there she might think about a move to ban certain classes of rollers now and move to take them off roading companies as they could be stolen and used to harm innocent motorists gathering peacefully, as has just happened.

“I am just so grateful that the outcome was not much worse,” she said.

Typical banned roller

Ms Ardern asked who really needs a machine like this with an adjustable amplitude vibe motor; something that can be quickly retro-fitted with a Padfoot shell kit and scraper fingers? In the wrong hands, these machines are very dangerous, especially those rollers with right-wing mirrors.

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