Hammerhead Sharks to be Included in Hammer Ban

By Woody

Information

Satire

This morning, armed police are patrolling all Reeves Roads in the country in an effort to ensure the residents of these streets are not feeling intimidated or threatened after a hammer attack in Pakuranga last night.

The prime minister has made a visit to a nearby kindergarten wearing little more than a builder’s apron which clearly showed empathy with all Reeves Road residents and her builders crack. She declared that there would be a national day of remembering all shocking building jobs and failed Kiwibuild ministers and that this would be led by the committee of MPs who had replaced Phil Twyford in the housing role.

She also declared that all hammers would be confiscated voluntarily handed in to a new ministry which would be formed later today. This ministry would be mandated with putting a value on all hammers out in the wild and then declaring that upon confiscation voluntary handing in, certified hammer owners would be paid the full value of their her hammers.

This value would be the original purchase cost, provided the original receipt was produced, less the cost of the new ministry of hammer’s valuation. The cost of valuation would be set at 200% of the original receipt cost. If the original receipt was not available, the average grab reimbursement of all receipted hammers would be applied. 
She stated that this was not at all a tax grab but a fair and transparent way of getting all dangerous hammers out of the hands of legitimate users so that a hammer attack could not happen in our country again.

When asked to be specific about which hammers would be subject to this recall she said that she had no idea that there were different types of hammers but yes, hammerhead sharks would be included but she would have to check with her new ministry about jackhammers as she has a friend named Jack and she didn’t wish to upset him. She was sure that the working group which would be set up by the new ministry would be able to provide a set of guidelines on how to create some guidelines.

On further questioning, she admitted that some hammers may be exempt but probably just tack tax hammers but she would have to take advice on what maximum weight they could be.

She expected that building sites and engineering shops would be visited to ensure that hammers were not in use.

At the conclusion of her kindergarten visit, she personally removed some plastic hammers from the hands of small children who were playing with them (actually they had almost completed the build of two low-cost homes) saying that the problem with hammers has obviously started in places like this. She also announced that she would have Chris Hipkins look into closing all kindergartens except one which would be kept open for her to visit for photo opportunities.

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