Hello Cognitive, Have You Met Dissonance?

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Satire

My name is Weibe Wakker, and I empty the pockets of stupid people. You won’t believe how clever I am. All I have to do is claim to drive an electrically-motivated car from coal-fire generated electricity Holland to across the world, taking advantage en-route of the gas-fired electricity of the Middle East, the coal-fired electricity of India, then the gas and coal and palm-oil fired electricity of Indonesia to my destination in coal-fired electricity Australia to prove how sustainable my clean ‘electricity-powered’ VW Golf is [Cough].

I covered this route at the amazing rate of 82 kilometres per day! Yes! 50.9 miles per day; that’s faster than walking!

I have no idea what my carbon-footprint is from this folly, better not say.

Arriving at my intended destination after three long years (Thank the Lord I don’t have children screaming: Are we there yet?) I found myself hooked on business-class eco-welfare. I couldn’t believe how gullible some people are. I solicit, and receive, big bucks and free accommodation on my travels from the true believers who support my little joke, so I hopped on a boat with diesel-electric engines to get to truly gullible New Zealand where I sought out the ultra-gullible, and Yes! They were truly taken in.

Arriving in Wellington I secreted the car in a commercial garage (very well-known to a Whaleoil contributor) for a fortnight while I flew to Switzerland for ‘business’. I hope the plane was electric, but I can’t be sure, best not say. Don’t tell anybody.

Arriving back I had a photo-op with a couple of stupid’s before swimming Cook’s Straights towing the car behind me to appease my already enormous emission profile. Oh. Yeah, Nah that’s not true. Me and the car travelled on the fossil-fuelled-ferry.

Down South, I kept up my enormous 80 k’s-per-day pace, bludging whatever I could and hither and thither and using the fantastic ‘Fast-Charge Network’ for my wee VW.

“I’ve been really impressed, even in the remote areas there have been a charging station.”

“However, his car was unable to use the charging stations as it didn’t charge to DC so he had to rely on people who hosted him to keep going.”

Arriving in Southland I was truly impressed to find complete coverage for the electric charging stations that I couldn’t use. Except for the gaps:

“Southland had large network of charging stations but it was possible to travel to most parts of the region in an electric car although there were gaps in certain places.”

Uhm: most places, enormous gaps.

But, never mind. I was comforted by the thought of fellow travellers; Yes! 100 electric cars in a population of only 100,000. Proof, if ever it was needed, that electric cars are enormously popular!

I understand my story has come to an end and may be wearing a bit thin, like my finances. So to help in my scrounging I’d like you to buy the book I intend to write. It doesn’t have a title yet but I’m thinking: “Man-Child with Stupid-but-Profitable Idea and Nothing to Do for Three Years Finds it Easy to Suck in Greenies and Dorks [Same Thing]”, but maybe that’s a bit long-winded?

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