The Holes That Do Not In Fact Exist



By Bob

Sorry, but for you non-scientific readers this brief dissertation is now going to get extremely technical.

So we now know that the real villain is the handles on the bags which render them deadly and illegal.

The handles in these killer plastic bags are formed in the factory by making 2 nicely edged opposing holes in the bag. These holes are invariably mirror images of each other and are frequently in parallel with each other. They are found adjacent TO but obliquely angled FROM the top opening of the bag (or, in some cases, the bottom opening of the bag particularly when the said bag is in an inverted position)

A simple way of knowing if the bag is indeed in this inverted position is that everything which is heavier than air in the bag will tend to fall out of the bag, generally in a largely downwards direction as if drawn towards the ground.

These holes which have been formed in the bags are generally known by laymen as handles, the holes apparently earned this title because people have been inserting their hands through these holes and clamping their fingers around them thereby drawing the 2 sides of the bag together in a closed position at the top of the bag (unless the bag is in the inverted position as we have previously discussed) and thereby slaughtering turtles.

As a rough rule of thumb it can be assumed that the average handle hole to bag ratio is something in the order of 8.783%, though of course this can vary for reasons which I shall not go into here. Suffice it to say that I and my team are working tirelessly on quantifying this now that our interim $18,000,000.00 Provincial Growth Fund Grant top up has arrived.

In the meantime, for convenience sake, we shall round the handle hole figure to 10% of the bag’s surface area.
Now for some quantum physics. The handle holes in the bag which can quite easily be seen, and recognised for what they actually are by experienced users do not actually exist.

The holes are given their definition by the existence of the surrounding very real tangible plastic, but where the holes are, essentially there is nothing, and this is an extremely dangerous nothing.
It is, therefore, my strong recommendation that these holes be filled with an extra 10% plastic per bag. It may even be possible to just make the bags in the factory by simply leaving the holes out. Of course, I shall require considerable extra funding and much overseas travel for my working group to establish whether or not that is a possibility.

In conclusion, please do not despair. There is light at the end of the tunnel and we are currently researching a new entirely plastic-free product which is proving extremely efficacious derived from Maui Dolphin skin.
Must sign off now, have to go out and check the set nets.