UK Journalists Replaced by Monkeys: No One Noticed

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UK Prisons this week reported that prisoners were packed in like sardines after every UK journalist who had committed the same crime as journalist Tommy Robinson was sent directly to jail.

The judiciary has admitted that show trials were too much of a strain on the taxpayers purse and took too long, and that the government had decided it was more efficient to bang up the journalists all in one go in order to ensure the message the government was sending them was received loud and clear.

The public happily has not noticed the difference as trained monkeys have been publishing press releases on the state of the nation, helpfully sent to them by the Ministry of Truth.

British Police have admitted relief that they will no longer have to worry about people committing the crime of journalism as it made their job so much harder.

Prominent members of Muslim Grooming Gangs have expressed their elation. “You cannot imagine the amount of anxiety I felt,” said Mustafa Imapedo, as he sat in the court awaiting sentencing for the rape and torture of 34 little girls over a 20 year period. “Knowing that there could be a journalist out there, asking me how I felt about what I did. Just the thought of it really hurt my feelings.”

Police Chief Ian Doasimtold explained that it was a huge police operation, “but I am pleased to report that British streets are now much safer.

“We had considered imprisoning journalists one by one over the next few years but because of the economies of scale, we decided to scoop them up all at once. After 9 months in solitary confinement on a diet of tinned tuna, we feel confident that the journalists will leave prison with a much-needed attitude readjustment.”

Editors across the country meanwhile are ecstatic that their newspapers are finally making a profit again. With a big grin on his face, Brian Ramsbottom, Editor of the Royal Herald explained that paying peanuts meant the paper’s bottom line was the healthiest it had been in 2 decades. “The monkeys are just marvellous” he commented. “They don’t ask questions or ask for pay raises, they just do as they are told. I wish we had thought about employing them years ago.”

Journalist Joan Bucket confided as she was being led away, “I thought that practising journalism was a minor crime like parking in a disabled spot. But on the bright side, I should have a killer bikini body by the time I get out.”

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