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These People Could Be President. Part Three: ‘Red’ Bernie

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

Calling a politician ‘red’ is often a smear, an attempt to muddy the boundary between well-meaning lefty and full on commie crank. But in Bernie Sanders’s case the descriptor is accurate. He openly calls himself a ‘Democratic Socialist’ – a euphemistic phrase in current vogue that slyly reconciles the irreconcilable. A truly socialist state can never allow the propertied classes political representation.  Bernie’s commie cred goes much deeper than this. He first started in politics running for the Senate representing the ‘Liberty Union Party of Vermont’ on a platform demanding ‘non-violent revolutionary socialism’ – a phrase which makes about as much sense as ‘non-alcoholic vodka’. Something even a cursory reading of history teaches is that the only non-violent revolutions are Conservative, for example those in Eastern Europe in 1989 against Communism. Those of the Left variety are inevitably bloody.

Over the years Bernie has done something unusual for a politician – he’s said what he really thinks. He’s called the type of bread lines typical in communist countries ‘a good thing’ because it’s a sign the poor aren’t starving to death (who says they aren’t? maybe they don’t have enough energy to get out of the gutter and form an orderly queue). In a 1985 interview he called for public ownership of ‘factories’ – basically reciting page 2 of the Communist Manifesto.

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Yes These People Could Be President: Part Two, Kamala ‘ Lala land’ Harris

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

Kamala Harris is the perfect anti-Trump candidate – a photo negative inversion of the Don. In fact, if they ever meet, the universe may implode such is their perfect cosmic opposition. Trust me, its physics. She’s black, female, from a humble background and is able to speak in complete sentences. The Don is none of these things and had three goes at pronouncing ‘anonymous’.

A former district attorney, she is blessed with a verbal dexterity that served her well in the primary debates, allowing her to tie Old Joe Biden’s tongue up in knots over his links with segregationist senators. The hope from the Left is that she’ll do the same to Trump – leave him so frustrated he loses it and tries to strangle her with his necktie on live TV.

Might be hard for him to come back from that.

But the undoing of Trump will not be the doing of Harris because her policies will be the undoing of her. The Democratic party is now so far past the mainstream American voter, they can hardly see them waving in the rearview mirror. While Harris may not be in the driving seat with a high heeled foot jammed on the gas (that would be Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez) she is definitely in the car.

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Yes, One of These People Could be President

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

New Zealand politics can often be a dull, tiresome affair. Kind of like my first marriage but with less angry heckling. By contrast, American politics never fails to intrigue. It’s the stakes. If it employed its power the U.S could end all civilization by noon tomorrow. New Zealand could perhaps make a decent fist of invading Tonga and really trouble the world’s supply of pineapple lumps.

This 4th of July, President Trump decided to pull out all the stops and unabashedly celebrate American kick-arsery. Lots of tanks, planes and marines. Critics on the Left accused him of attempting the kind of military parade tin pot dictators are fond of. They’re wrong of course. No tin pot dictator has a B-2 stealth bomber. Being a Right-wing arsehole I loved it. I think it’s a good thing that the largest military force in the world is possessed by the same guys who fought the Nazis, stared down the Soviet Union and ensured the Pax Americana necessary for the greatest expansion of human wellbeing the world has ever seen.

I don’t know where I get these funny ideas from.

But what the military hardware on display reminds you is how important it is the right person gets to command it. Trump of course is a blustering bullshitter with an ego so big he never prays because he doesn’t like talking to himself. But compared to those in the democrat party lining up to replace him he’s a picture of mental health. In fact, judging by their campaigns so far the only way these people should be allowed into the white house is on the free tour for tourists. Even then they’d have to be watched around the Presidential silverware. And Biden around the Presidential secretaries.

 So I humbly offer a break from the ‘10 Ways Simon Bridges is Toast’ / ‘How Plastic Bags Cause Hurricanes’ articles of the NZ media, with a series on the fools, grifters and outright mentalists vying to be the Democratic Party nominee for the next President of the United States.

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The End of Social Media: #Mefree

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

In the great works of dystopic fiction, 1984, Brave New World, and Robo Cop 3: He’s Back To Lay Down The Law, the state looms large as the enemy of liberty. It is not mere coincidence that parts of the world deprived of the influence of these seminal works either through censorship or in the case of Robocop3, terrible sound dubbing, have seen state power at its most intrusive. The absence of fictional examples of the totalitarian nightmare smooths the way for the real thing. Myanmar which banned 1984 until recently, still has a ‘Ministry of Information’ that could well have been modelled on the ‘Ministry of Truth’ in Orwell’s novel. China’s ‘One Child’ policy has been as restrictive of human reproductive freedom as anything found in Brave New World.

And Philippines’ President Rodrigo Duterte thinks he actually is Robocop.

These fictions are but part of a larger cultural inheritance characteristic of Western Civilization: the concern for personal liberty.

Just why this obsession developed solely in the West is much in dispute, but the argument with the most weight is also the least fashionable.

Religion.

Or at least our particular brand of it.

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Euthanasia: High-fiving the Reaper

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

Death and taxes, they say, are the two unavoidable facts of existence. But taxes can be avoided if you sleep in Albert Park and play the bongo drums for spare change outside McDonald’s. Death, on the other hand, comes for us all. Even if you move to Gore, grow a full beard and change your name to ‘Wayne Sommersville’. That bastard reaper is relentless.

I take it personally that the universe wants me dead. My fear of dying of Alzheimer’s or an aggressive arse cancer or a sudden embarrassing cardiac arrest in a public place, drives me to drink; which increases my chances of dying of cirrhosis of the liver. I take it slightly less personally that everyone I know faces the same fate. Even the millennial dickhead in the street yesterday who blew his vape smoke in my face and grinned like I should be grateful to have a gust of mandarin and coriander smoke up my nostrils. Even him. Kind of. But if death comes to us all that’s no reason to put out the welcome mat.

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Leaked memo on proposed hate crime legislation

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

Warning

This leaked memo is a work of fiction and is satirical.

The following was found in the men’s restroom of a Wellington Massage Parlour by a lady…of my acquaintance.


TOP SECRET MEMO
FOR GREEN PARTY MEMBERS ONLY.
TOPICS: HATE CRIME PROPOSALS AND HOW TO GET GLUTEN-FREE VEGAN SOY-SUBSTITUTE SAUSAGE ROLLS SERVED IN BELLAMYS


Ki Ora, Talofa, Namaste, Ni-hao, Salaam Alaikum and Helloooooo! (the recently adopted official greeting of our gay brothers and sisters.
The Green Party leadership is issuing this memo to confirm the matters discussed at our recent meeting.

First our apologies for the grim tone of the presentation on climate change entitled, ‘We are all totally F*%#ED’. A reminder to all members that we must not become too disheartened by the impending destruction of mother earth by evil mankind (not women-kind or trans-kind, they aren’t responsible). We have therefore postponed the mass protest suicides planned for the steps of parliament. They will now take place next year concurrent with the re-election of Donald Trump, weather permitting.


Concrete proposals to fight climate change were adopted:

  1. The Spokesperson for Energy and Resources will halve his classic car collection.
  2. All cow anuses will be fitted with catalytic converters.
  3. The Minister for Climate Change will begin a nationwide campaign to conserve electricity by encouraging people to make love with the lights off.
    Special thanks to the minister’s wife for suggesting the idea.
    The need for Hate Crime Legislation was discussed due to the devastating, unprovoked and outrageous attacks on our comrade, Golriz Ghahraman. And that Christchurch thing.
    Members agreed to draft a bill:
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The Ardernian delusion

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

A fortnight ago our government took on an awesome responsibility: the wellbeing of 4.8 million souls. The ‘wellbeing’ budget, after suffering more leaks than a hedgehog’s raincoat, was unveiled to the world and immediately received breathless approval from progressive international media such as the Guardian. Back here, amongst the people who actually have to pay for the 3.8 billion dollars spent over four years (1.9 of it on ‘mental health’), support was more tepid. Many of us were simply confused. I for one had been labouring under the misapprehension that I was responsible for my own wellbeing.

That’s what my mum told me, anyway.

The trouble with the concept of ‘wellbeing’ is that we all have our own version of it. For me a plunge in the price of single malt scotch, a sudden outbreak of infectious female nymphomania and the entire Australian cricket team developing explosive diarrhoea on the eve of their next World Cup game would all improve my wellbeing immensely. For others it’s all about family, community and world peace.

The freaks.

However, here at the John Black Institute for Sensible Suggestions we have been working on some measures to improve national wellbeing which we think all New Zealanders can agree on. What’s more, unlike the budget they won’t cost you, my fellow taxpayers, one red cent.

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The shocking truth about Brown supremacy in NZ

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

Information

Satire

This week John Black is volunteering at a leper colony in East Africa. His place is taken by a well-known television reporter…

THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT BROWN SUPREMACY IN NEW ZEALAND

A brave expose by a very brave and important reporter.

Being a fearless reporter that is also brave, when the boss asked me to investigate brown supremacy in New Zealand I knew things could get rough. What I didn’t realize was how rough. What I uncovered almost made me soil my Barker’s Menswear suit (the Hampton charcoal with waistcoat). Yes, this investigation was to take a serious personal toll.

I would even have to leave the office.

True, it was only to get a soy latte, but I needed it to stay awake while I surfed the internet all night.

That’s where I started. The internet. I hadn’t really been a fan previously. I mainly used it to order handmade Italian ties and book Austrian skiing holidays. But I thought I knew its dangers. Once when the wife was away I got lonely, locked my bedroom door and spent three hours googling myself.

I felt ashamed after. Only three measly hits.

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Marijuana is a filthy drug & makes you retarded…

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds


MARIJUANA IS A FILTHY DRUG AND MAKES YOU RETARDED…WHEREAS ALCOHOL AND CIGARS MAKE YOU SMART AND BRAVE

A pseudo-scientific inquiry by John Black


A year and a half out from the cannabis referendum and the air is thick with pot-head panegyrics to the delights of Mary Jane. Well I’m here to tell you the dope fiends have got it wrong. It’s almost as if their minds have been befuddled by some substance they have been ingesting on a regular basis. Listen up youngsters and read my quips: Marijuana is a filthy drug for greenies, hipsters and social studies teachers. Morons in other words. If you smoke it you may become one too.

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A man in a MAGA hat visits the Women’s bookshop

Information

Satire

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

There is a time in every man’s life when he must stare the cyclops of destiny in its ocular singularity and neither flinch nor flee. Wellington at Waterloo, Custer at Little Bighorn, Mel Gibson at Gallipoli.

Mine was last Saturday.

Mother’s Day was fast approaching and I had tracked down the perfect gift for the woman who gave me free internal room and board for nine months. It was a book, the last in a series my mother was devoted to, of interest to ladies in the latter stages of life. Something about a woman discovering herself through exploring vineyards in Tuscany with an Algerian boy toy. Or perhaps she was discovering the vineyards and exploring the boy toy. I forget. Anyway it was a book which could only be purchased at such a late hour at The Women’s Bookshop in Ponsonby.

Ponsonby.

To the Right thinking individual, Ponsonby is the techno-beating heart of enemy territory. The hip nexus of trustafarian faddishness, radical feminist-green-queer lunacy and NIMBY chardonnay socialist elitism. All that’s shrivelling to the soul and the testicles in one foul suburb.

This trip was gonna be grim.

I needed fortification. A tinder dry vodka martini in the late Autumnal sun. I got to thinking. Why the trepidation? This was New Zealand damn it! I could go wherever I wanted. No man or woman or gender non-compliant being was gonna make me feel I didn’t belong. Through the wonderful alchemy of alcohol my annoyance soon turned to an empathic expansiveness of the heart. They were my fellow kiwis, these Ponsonby lardy-da lefties, they would see reason, wouldn’t they?

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