humour

A man in a MAGA hat visits the Women’s bookshop

Information

Satire

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

There is a time in every man’s life when he must stare the cyclops of destiny in its ocular singularity and neither flinch nor flee. Wellington at Waterloo, Custer at Little Bighorn, Mel Gibson at Gallipoli.

Mine was last Saturday.

Mother’s Day was fast approaching and I had tracked down the perfect gift for the woman who gave me free internal room and board for nine months. It was a book, the last in a series my mother was devoted to, of interest to ladies in the latter stages of life. Something about a woman discovering herself through exploring vineyards in Tuscany with an Algerian boy toy. Or perhaps she was discovering the vineyards and exploring the boy toy. I forget. Anyway it was a book which could only be purchased at such a late hour at The Women’s Bookshop in Ponsonby.

Ponsonby.

To the Right thinking individual, Ponsonby is the techno-beating heart of enemy territory. The hip nexus of trustafarian faddishness, radical feminist-green-queer lunacy and NIMBY chardonnay socialist elitism. All that’s shrivelling to the soul and the testicles in one foul suburb.

This trip was gonna be grim.

I needed fortification. A tinder dry vodka martini in the late Autumnal sun. I got to thinking. Why the trepidation? This was New Zealand damn it! I could go wherever I wanted. No man or woman or gender non-compliant being was gonna make me feel I didn’t belong. Through the wonderful alchemy of alcohol my annoyance soon turned to an empathic expansiveness of the heart. They were my fellow kiwis, these Ponsonby lardy-da lefties, they would see reason, wouldn’t they?

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‘How to’ guide for the Liberal convert

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Satire

By Jesse Anderson
Right Minds

How to blend into the current political landscape: a foolproof guide for the newly converted liberal.

Following the Christchurch incident, many facts about New Zealand have come to light, namely the festering underground of white supremacy and Islamaphobic bigotry.

Probably some anti LGBTQ stuff as well. Eugh, it’s the current year.

However, a silver lining can be found amongst the ruins of the now-popped kiwi bubble of political safety: the media is finally able to tell us the truth about liberal left-wing values!

With the sudden surge of Islamophilic—I mean, honest and open discussion—about the true dark nature of New Zealand’s right-wingers, people have begun waking up to the compassionate and thoughtful liberal left and all of its acceptance, diversity, and regulations.

Sorry, not regulations, I meant protective measures to support minority groups.

For the newly woke members of society, or Babes in Ardern, the new honest and open landscape can be a bit daunting. You may not know where to step to avoid micro-aggressing against someone or triggering their PTSD.

For that reason I’ve written this handy guide to dealing with a few key topics now up for discussion—until they’re rightly banned for being hate speech, that is.

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In search of the rare endangered White supremacist

*Satire

Too Right
A regular column by John Black
The Black Sheep Blog
Rightminds

As somebody once said, ?You should try everything once except incest and Morris dancing.? (Who exactly said that we are unsure but when you reflect on how they knew to steer clear of the first of these, it?s probably for the best that they retain their anonymity). So when a chance arises not three kilometres from your place of residence to catch a glimpse of a creature of near mythic reputation, previously thought to be long extinct, you take it. I write of course of the sudden sighting of the fabled, extremely rare white supremacist within the bounds of our own Auckland University.

An open letter from a group of students to the University management has alerted the world to their discovery of this strange and elusive species. Their tell-tale territorial markings ? swastikas and racist graffiti ? are apparently all over campus. Not only that but actual, real live NAZIS, the worst of the species, infest the place. The place is lousy with them. According to the anonymous letter you cannot move for goose-stepping, Sieg Heiling, Aryan goons.

So off I set with camera and butterfly net with dreams of being on the front cover of National Geographic. Initially, the signs were good. On a street lamp across from Albert Park I found this:

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Let’s all play the race card

Satire – obviously!

As a New Zealander, not represented by any of the racial backgrounds in the Z photo, I am appalled that a modern, progressive, socially aware, New Zealand based company could promote a picture so racially divisive as this.

Unless there is an official announcement from Z to acknowledge their racism and apologise for the offence it caused, as well as to promise to undergo more rigorous diversity training to make sure nothing like this happens again, many ordinary Kiwis will have to boycott their outlets.

Z claims to be for all of New Zealand, but that is blatantly untrue given the image that they have chosen to use on their Facebook banner.

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Greens get serious about climate change

As a precursor to the up coming Zero Carbon Act championed by the co-leader of the Green Party, The Hon James Shaw has announced a new policy initiative as his Captain’s Call.

All indications are that he has made this decision on his own initiative as there was no mention of this new policy on the Twitter feeds of the other co-leader, Marama Davidson, or the Twitter feeds of Golriz Gharaman or Eugenie Sage.

Shaw seems to have manned up and made a decision all by himself for a change.

So what is this new policy?

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Don?t call them cyclists

Just when you think we?ve reached peak SJW stupidity a bunch of experts are demanding that we stop using the word cyclist. Yes, you read that right. quote.

Experts are calling for the word “cyclist” to be banned because they believe the term “dehumanises” people who use bikes.[?]QUT professor Narelle Haworth conducted a survey of 442 people across Australia and found 55 per cent of people who didn’t use a bike described cyclists as “not completely human”. End of quote.

A Newspaper

Yeah, right. I bet they got that stat from the “road maggots” and not by directly asking those who don?t cycle. quote.

Quote:The study also found one in five drivers deliberately blocked cyclists while one in 10 say they’ve purposely cut them off.End of quote.

I have my own statistics. Eight out of 10 cyclists turn into “road maggots” who think they?re entitled to the whole road as soon as they put on a bit of Lycra. And the same eight in 10 think they?re too good for cycle lanes.

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It’s official. You can’t just write ‘Maori’ on a piece of paper and call it a drivers licence

Well it looks like you can’t just go around with your name written on a piece of paper, with the word ‘Maori’ written on it and have it accepted as a legal driver’s license anymore!

It seems that the NZ Supreme Court have told Michael Raymond Main to go forth and fornicate with himself, and have chucked out his application to have his case heard there.

It seems that Mr Main was stopped by a member of the ever-vigilant Hamilton boys in blue back in 2017, after one of them realised that the number plate on Mains’ Commodore looked a bit sus. Turned out it was – in that it was fake. So of course a little more digging ensued and it was realised that the car had also been green stickered in the past for being a dodgy heap of excrement.

The best bit was yet to come though when Mains handed over a piece of paper with his name scribbled on it, and proudly endorsed with the word ‘Maori” upon it, claiming that as he was Tangatawhenua and the laws of the land did not apply to him (or at least I presume to the portion of him that had all the Maori blood in it).

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Bridges ‘comes out’

Simon Bridges at the Big Gay out

**Satire

The leader of the opposition, Simon Bridges, someone whom we all supposed was ‘straight’, being married to a lovely woman of the opposite sex and with whom he has fathered three children, has announced at the Big Gay Out that it was all a mistake and he has changed his mind. Quote.

A clip from Newshub’s archives shows a young Simon Bridges being asked about a teacher at his school who had come out as gay.

“Oh I know him, actually he was a teacher of mine at school,” he said.

“How do I feel about him being gay? To be honest I’m not really into homosexuality, but I suppose if he’s going to come out and say it, I suppose it takes a bit of guts.”

But 25 years later?

“Look obviously I was a very young, silly young guy,” Mr Bridges says. “It’s an incredibly long time ago, my views have changed.”

End quote.

So, he once was ‘straight’ and “not really into homosexuality” but that was a long time ago when he was young and silly and now that is no longer true as his views have changed.

So Simon Bridges says he is now really into homosexuality.

The things people will say and do for votes. Quote.

The son of a Baptist minister coming out of his conservative shell – at Big Gay Out, Mr Bridges said he was happy to celebrate the “fabulous” Rainbow community.

“National really values all everything we see. It’s been great fun to walk around, to chat with a whole lot of you and have an awesome time here,” he said.

“For me as leader of the National Party it’s incredibly important that everyone knows National’s about diversity, inclusiveness and of course making sure that New Zealand’s a place you can be who you are and be who you want to be.” End quote.

Newshub


Hey, Simon – you missed “tolerance”!

It is simply embarrassing prostituting yourself in an attempt to get a few votes from a very minor (but noisy) sector of society that are never going to vote for you in a month of Sundays.

Have you no principles, Simon?

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Colin Craig faces down his worst enemy

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I am a vagina hear me roar

Climate Change used to be Global Warming but then someone realised that, due to a lack of evidence that the globe was actually warming, they’d better change the language rather than admit they were wrong.

In other examples, people have tried to make bad things sound better by changing the language. Making offensive, hurtful or just factual words sound kinder is the underlying justification for most of the politically correct language that we hear today.

I can understand to some degree why people wanted to replace the word retarded with intellectually handicapped for example. However, retarded isn’t a cruel word it is simply a statement of fact. All kinds of things can be retarded as it means less advanced.

Yesterday, however, on Newsroom I read a headline that contained a new politically correct term that made my?jaw drop in amazement.

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