Satire

Shaw confirms Greens will not contest next election

**Satire (unfortunately)

Following the announcement that the NZ First led coalition government would not be instituting a capital gains tax, Green party co-leader James Shaw has released a statement:

I am a man of my word. I realise that this is a rare characteristic amongst politicians, but as you all know the Green party is a party of principles and I intend to stay true to mine.

Because of my bedrock principle of being true to my word, I have decided that Ardern is not the only one who can make a Captain’s Call. I have, therefore, ruled out any involvement by the Green party in the next election cycle.

As I said in the House in February and which was reported by Stuff at the time. quote.

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Let’s all play the race card

Satire – obviously!

As a New Zealander, not represented by any of the racial backgrounds in the Z photo, I am appalled that a modern, progressive, socially aware, New Zealand based company could promote a picture so racially divisive as this.

Unless there is an official announcement from Z to acknowledge their racism and apologise for the offence it caused, as well as to promise to undergo more rigorous diversity training to make sure nothing like this happens again, many ordinary Kiwis will have to boycott their outlets.

Z claims to be for all of New Zealand, but that is blatantly untrue given the image that they have chosen to use on their Facebook banner.

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Sacred mountains ‘desecrated’ UPDATED

By networkstar

Security barrier: Photo supplied

Somehow we have had our mountain desecrated by the very people who are charged with looking after it. We used to have free and open access but now when we approach the mountain we are greeted by these imposing formidable brutes of gates. Heavens knows how much they cost but someone did well out of that contract.

It takes so much away from the mountain. I can’t believe the Maunga authority signed it off. Compared to the artist’s impression of what we were promised and what we have it’s truly unbelievable.

Artist’s impression of the gate
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A satirical response to the ‘Racist’ landlord, Maori student news story

M?ori student had rules laid out after potential landlord found out her ethnicity

Stuff

Racism in New Zealand  ( **Satire )


SKYDAWN: Mrs Jones, you have been a landlord for how long?
MRS JONES: I’ve been a landlady for about seven years.
SKYDAWN: Please don’t use sexist language, Mrs Jones. So you have been ‘letting property’, shall we say, for about seven years?
MRS JONES: Yes.
SKYDAWN: And have any of your tenants been Maori?
MRS JONES: Yes.
SKYDAWN: You will be aware, then, that Maori like to have gatherings of the whanau?
MRS JONES: Yes. Quite often, in my experience. And quite noisy they can be.

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Bridges ‘comes out’

Simon Bridges at the Big Gay out

**Satire

The leader of the opposition, Simon Bridges, someone whom we all supposed was ‘straight’, being married to a lovely woman of the opposite sex and with whom he has fathered three children, has announced at the Big Gay Out that it was all a mistake and he has changed his mind. Quote.

A clip from Newshub’s archives shows a young Simon Bridges being asked about a teacher at his school who had come out as gay.

“Oh I know him, actually he was a teacher of mine at school,” he said.

“How do I feel about him being gay? To be honest I’m not really into homosexuality, but I suppose if he’s going to come out and say it, I suppose it takes a bit of guts.”

But 25 years later?

“Look obviously I was a very young, silly young guy,” Mr Bridges says. “It’s an incredibly long time ago, my views have changed.”

End quote.

So, he once was ‘straight’ and “not really into homosexuality” but that was a long time ago when he was young and silly and now that is no longer true as his views have changed.

So Simon Bridges says he is now really into homosexuality.

The things people will say and do for votes. Quote.

The son of a Baptist minister coming out of his conservative shell – at Big Gay Out, Mr Bridges said he was happy to celebrate the “fabulous” Rainbow community.

“National really values all everything we see. It’s been great fun to walk around, to chat with a whole lot of you and have an awesome time here,” he said.

“For me as leader of the National Party it’s incredibly important that everyone knows National’s about diversity, inclusiveness and of course making sure that New Zealand’s a place you can be who you are and be who you want to be.” End quote.

Newshub


Hey, Simon – you missed “tolerance”!

It is simply embarrassing prostituting yourself in an attempt to get a few votes from a very minor (but noisy) sector of society that are never going to vote for you in a month of Sundays.

Have you no principles, Simon?

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Whaleoil’s top 12 most important women of NZ 2018.

You may all recall, a little while ago the most prestigious BBC put out a list of their Top 100 Really Important Women, which somehow included Nanaia Mahuta because she had some scribble on her chin and had been troughing for the last 22 years. I summed up the award in a post back then, but in case you missed it, please feel free to pop along for a look?at why Nanaia is as important as a Samoan who can drive a boat!

Well we here at Whaleoil figured that as so many of our wonderful women had missed out on getting the BBC gong, we would promote a list of our own, a satirical one. Please note, not all the quotes are real!

So without any further delay, here are the Whaleoil Top 12 Really Amazing Super Duper Important Bestest Women of New Zealand for 2018, and coming in at number one is… Read more »

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Climate Stupid 101: The most important things to understand about this urgent problem

Hi Kittens

Welcome to Stuffed University where Captain Crock will lead us through Climate Stupid 101. This is an important subject, so important we will not brook criticism, of any kind, by anybody. This is strictly facts, all facts, absolutely no matter-of-facts.

?Earth’s warming is largely related to the quantity of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. These absorb heat from the sun as it is reflected off the earth’s surface and send it back again.?
Professor James Renwick, a climate scientist at Victoria University Wellington,?says this process is akin to having a blanket on a bed.
?A thicker blanket, a warmer body; a thicker blanket over the earth, a warmer earth.?

So, there you have it, Stupids. The earth?s atmosphere is a blanket, except it?s not. The atmosphere is hugely gaseous, a blanket hugely solid. The atmosphere enhances convection while a blanket suppresses it, but they are the same, so sayeth Stuff. No correspondence will be entered into.

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Confessions of a Trans Vegetarian

*Satire

Vegetarian woman

I haven’t always been a Trans vegetarian but I have admired vegetarians for years. I have wanted to be a vegetarian since I was a young?child but it simply was not acceptable back then. It is quite frankly a relief to come out of the closet and claim my identity as a Trans vegetarian.

I have always admired vegetarians. It takes a lot of guts to stick it to the man and to reject meat it all its delicious forms. Vegetarians are principled people who often care deeply about animal rights and who have transformed their lives in order to live healthy,?meatless lives.

Until the Trans movement came along I had no hope at all of claiming my identity as a vegetarian as there were too many barriers for me to overcome in order to call myself a vegetarian and to take my rightful place with my vegetarian brothers and sisters.

For a start I hated vegetables.

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British democracy for dummies


*Satire


How to run a British Democracy.

There are many types of democracies out there, but with its long history and?complex unwritten constitution, British democracy is like no other – so I’ve compiled a short guide so you at home can run your democracy the way the British run theirs!

STEP ONE:
Give away most of your decision-making abilities to foreign bureaucrats.

If you’re in the government, or an elected representative of the people, making decisions is hard, and if you make the wrong one then you might find yourself kicked off the gravy train by an ungrateful public! So how do you get around that little snag? Simple – get Johnny Foreigner to make your decisions for you!

Don’t know what trade economic decisions to make? Let Brussels decide! Immigration causing problems? It’s no longer?your problem! Want to regulate business but don’t want anyone to see you doing it? Why not sign up to European regulations!

Handy tip:?Whatever you do, make sure NOT to consult the public! Don’t worry, no one will notice your economic union slowly turning into a political one…

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Sesame Street character’s ‘offensive’ name to be changed

Satire

Republished with permission from?U OK hun


A spokesperson for Sesame Street International has confirmed that the character Big Bird will soon be renamed as it is an offensive term for ?fat woman.?

Although the iconic member of the cast will retain his original name outside the United Kingdom, all episodes that are broadcast here will soon have the name ?dubbed out? and replaced with ?Steve.?

A source said, “We tried a number of alternatives, but we were unable to get approval from Ofcom in the UK.”

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